Hey Julia Woods
Join me, Julia Woods, a couples coach and wife of over 3 decades, as I share some of my client's stories and my own so that you can be encouraged, inspired, and gain new results in your marriage.
Hey Julia Woods
Our Friendship & JOY Have Returned
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What happens when a marriage looks stable on the outside but feels disconnected underneath? Julia Woods sits down with Thomas and Kayala to explore how resentment, emotional shutdown, and unspoken expectations quietly erode connection and how learning emotional awareness, honest communication, and faster repair helped them rediscover friendship, joy, and intimacy after 17 years of marriage.
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Welcome And Why Marriage Gets Hard
SPEAKER_04Welcome to Hey Julia Woods Podcast. I'm your host, Julia Woods, founder of Beautiful Outcome, a coaching company focused on helping couples learn to see and understand each other, even in the most difficult conversations. On my podcast, I will share with you the real and raw of the messiness and amazingness of marriage. I'll share with you aspects of my relationship and the couples I coach in a way that you can see yourself and find the tools that you need to build the marriage you long for.
Meet Thomas And Kayala
SPEAKER_04Welcome to another episode of Hey Julia Woods. I am very excited for you to get to meet our couple today. We are here with Thomas and Kayala, who've been married 17 years and currently reside in Austin, Texas, with their eight-year-old and three-year-old boys. And I am so grateful that you guys have decided to come on and just open your hearts and share with us the transformation that's been in your marriage. So welcome. Thank you for having us.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, glad to be here.
SPEAKER_04Yes. Kayala, you and I met through photography. Um I got the honor of meeting you in the beginning stages of your business. Well, actually, you were you were doing pretty well when we got connected and then we journeyed together. I got to coach you in business, and then you guys started coming to Breakthrough. And so I love hearing the results that you guys are getting. One of the things you said that I think is so extremely powerful is that there has been a 900% increase in your speed of getting through conflicts. And man, that is powerful. And I know a lot of couples who would love to stop wasting entire weekends on fights and instead be able to have a one-hour conversation and move through it. So can you tell us more about um, well, let's start from the beginning.
Choosing To Invest In Marriage
SPEAKER_04So, what brought you to decide that you wanted to work on your marriage and come to some event across the country from you guys and um do some work on your marriage?
SPEAKER_03Well, I'll speak for myself. I was in a unique position because Julia, I'd worked with you with my business and just transformation coaching-wise for many, many years before you started transitioning into couples coaching. And I remember when you were talking about creating breakthrough and the energy that was in the room when you're also kind of softening the blow that you were ending doing this thing with me to pursue to pursue this. And so obviously it was intri intriguing for me. What was um funny for us is we actually had Thomas's parents go to breakthrough before we were able to attend. So it was always in the cards that we wanted to come because I knew just in my life with us working together, the movement that could happen. And that Thomas was excited to be part of that with me together. Um, and that he was curious to do it with me instead of just like me just telling him all the things I learned and oh my gosh, on these after my calls with you. Um and so it was a no-brainer for me in that regard to come because I I knew that it would open up possibilities that even at the time when we thought there was really nothing really going on, that's like I know from experience that that's not you be the case, that something's always going on. And so that's what introduced me to obviously breakthrough, but made an easy decision for me to say I want to go to this.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think another thing for me, I just I agree with that. I think another thing I'd add on as well is for me, it was an interesting, it was like a cool opportunity to actually invest in our relationship in a way that like I invest in other types of education all the time and coaching and learning, right? Like I frequently put time into my career and into other skills that I'm trying to develop. And it kind of was kind of a uh a cool opportunity to actually put some of our time and our money and our kind of effort consciously towards our relationship, which is kind of like the central aspect of our life together. And like you mentioned, 17 years, right? Like, um, you know, why wouldn't we want to try to improve the connection that we have, right? And I think, you know, you mentioned a little bit to kind of what was bringing us to it as well. I think like you know, over any amount of time together, I think, but over, you know, a lifetime together, like you kind of get into certain ruts of habits or ways which you behave or treat with each other. And um, I think like Keala said, like there were a lot of those areas where it's like, I feel like there's more for us out there than this. Like, I feel like we could be doing more. Um but like again, and you can't do that just shuffling the same deck of cards over and over again. You have to kind of deal somebody else in and like see what that what that brings.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Let's
The Old Pattern Of Silent Resentment
SPEAKER_04talk about that. Like, what was marriage like before um breakthrough? What were these conflicts like that have now sped up to taking you know 900% less time? What were they like before you started Breakthrough?
SPEAKER_03Am I auto going first, Thomas?
SPEAKER_02No, I can I can look in tag team it, so I'll start on this one then. Okay. Yeah. So I'll I'll speak for myself. And one of the big things for me is um I had a really hard time under like verbalizing even where I was at emotionally on some areas and some things. And um we've kind of like gone on this art like archaeological dig together as we've both explored our own kind of emotional states and how we got to where we're at and our own upbringing and things like that. Um but for me, it was there's a lot of things that we're just rubbing up on against in terms of just identity and how we defined our roles and how we both experienced love or hurt, um, and how we kind of shouldered some of the just the classic burdens, like you know, we've mentioned we've got two kids, um, is not easy all the time, and that puts a lot of extra strain. Um and and like I think that was just causing for me at least to be able to feel like we were we were frequently kind of in a place of like emotional desperation, or like where I felt like I was just kind of tapped, but I didn't know why or how to express it. Um, and our attempts to do so, like for my part at least, were quite clumsy. Um it would often devolve into kind of more of like a finger pointing blame scenario than like a productive understanding conversation.
SPEAKER_03So kind of articulate. So I feel like the reality that we were in before where when like from the surface, it felt like things are going fine, right? You know, our kids are taken care of, we're not actively fighting constantly, so like in our mind, this is like or in my mind when I'm thinking like I think things are fine, but right, but then when people are talking about what like when couples were sharing, this is what we love doing together, and ask like, so what do you guys like to do together? I couldn't list a single thing. So that was a clue. And when I started going deeper, like where we were before, you know, there would always be either from myself or from Thomas a like an energy of like resentment, maybe being upset, maybe fatigue, all of these things where there is tension, but nobody's talking about it and nobody's bringing it up. And since we're not actively fighting, it's fine, it's actually not a problem, right? But then when we go through a weekend and I can tell there's like a something has bothered somebody else, somebody is burnt out and doesn't feel like for me, like I feel burnt out. I want
Burnout, Parenting Stress, And Dysregulation
SPEAKER_03a break, is how I was going about it. And not wanting to do anything with him or the family. And then what would happen is then Thomas would start to feel overwhelmed to me, like within hours, where I'm like, this has been building up for me Monday through Friday, and you need a nap after two, three hours with the kids on a Saturday, and he's like, I need to tap out and take a nap, was infuriating to me. And so it's like throughout the whole weekend, we're just uh appeasing, avoiding each other, so that even at night when we're like, we should be spending time together, like I don't want to spend time with him, I'm also um dysregulated. So we have a child on the spectrum, so these are like some neurodivergent terms, but we're both dysregulated from what's asked of us during the day and the tension that we're kind of bouncing back and forth with each other, just kind of subconsciously, that when the kids all go to bed, I'm going into busy mode to avoid even the discomfort of spending time with him. So I'm uh, you know, doing dishes, I'm folding laundry, I'm these are all things that are not relaxing or fun to me either. So it's not helping the situation. I'm getting more mad because he in my mind is like doing a video game. He's reading the book, and I'm like, oh, that must be nice. Wish I could do that. Because, you know, again, playing victim and all this stuff, and just trying to get more excuses to be upset, and then it would just you know, fall asleep, refresh for the next day. And that's where we were at, where you know, I think we both have a realization that we know a lot of couples in our family lines where you're like, I don't know if they're in love, but I can't imagine them apart. Like they're they don't seem to like each other, but you know they're never going to and they're complaining about each other all the time, but that's all like have we ever seen them hold hands or something like that? And it was when we realized that we were doing the same.
When Kids Can’t See The Love
SPEAKER_03I was like, do our boys know that we love each other? And like, are we showing what that looks like? Because that's also something that's really important for us that we realized was not being shown as well. Uh it's like, yeah, that's a way that it's like maybe a default from the two of us from many generations of couples that like, do is this actually what we want? And I think that helped kind of get to the point where we were ready to come to breakthrough. But our reality before then was just a lot of silent resentment, avoidance, appeasement. Um I always felt yeah, and Thomas has a difficult time. I'm gonna let me know if this resonates, has a difficult time feeling anything but neutral. So this did come up during breakthrough for a couple of men where like I don't, I'm just constantly okay. Like, I'm not mad, I'm not overly, like I'm just neutral to kind of keep the temperature down, but I can feel that he's not okay. Like it's leaking out constantly that there's something going on, and then what would be frustrating for me is he can't explain, he's like, nothing's wrong, it's fine. I'm like, are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? And then all of a sudden, three days straight of just complete napping, it's like being I think uh I'm really upset. It's like, no duh, seriously, you know, or it's like you're not fooling any of us, or specifically me. I know something's wrong, but being in, and I think it was a safe space for you to be there because again, so our oldest has autism ADHD, and we have a lot of big feelings in the house with a three-year-old and and you know, our eight-year-old, as well as our own feelings as well, trying to like validate their feelings, but it also is painful to be in there sitting in their bad feelings. It's very again dysregulating and a lot of these moving parts, but like I've noticed for Thomas, it just like it just absorbs, absorbs, absorbs, absorbs. I'm feeling nothing, I'm feeling nothing. But then also disconnects to even feel safe to feel, and almost to the point where he like doesn't know how is how it seemed like to me before.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's it's like a lot of like just sponging up what I felt like the excess emotion in the space in order to kind of keep things stable or to try to be like a ballast or whatnot, but not really actually processing it, just kind of sucking it up and then holding on to it.
SPEAKER_04Um makes sense, makes sense, and it's powerful. Um there was a couple things in what you said, Kayala, that was kind of describing what the long-term prices of that was, is that you got to the point where you couldn't think of one thing that you enjoyed doing together, and you realized you weren't even sure that your kids would think that you loved each other based on how they were seeing you interact and um the lack of connection between you. Is that what you're saying? Yes, completely. Yeah. So you came to Breakthrough and um what what happened for you guys at Breakthrough?
What Breakthrough Changes In Real Time
SPEAKER_04Obviously, you've been three years, so there's different things that happen each year as every event is unique in its own. But sh just share a little bit about kind of what began to happen for you at Breakthrough.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I could jump in on this one. I think for me, one of the biggest things was um just starting to actually put like just kind of identifying and putting names to things and getting a shared language around, like, you know, exploring what what we were thinking or feeling in a given space or a given moment, kind of having some shared heuristics that we could deploy to be able to have some of these conversations. Um and it was, I think the biggest thing for me personally was it was like a time away from all of the other stuff, which normally put a time pressure that would cause us to have to put down whatever we were like, you know, metaphorically holding onto together and trying to work through. We have to put it down to go just do life.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, because the kids were were having an issue or school's about to start or work or whatever. And it was a time for us to be able to just take it out and hold it together and just engage on that directly for a prolonged period of time.
SPEAKER_03Right. Um I feel like there are so many layers of what I got out of breakthrough, right? Because the structure is um really wonderful in a way that's like what angles can you address this tension? Because I could tell like I'm building like protections around this tension that I think my body is trying to protect me from from touching it, right? Right. And I feel like one of the big things about breakthrough is in, you know, there is this section where um you do the one-on-one coaching with people in the room, um, and that hits it at a different angle where I feel like there's stories, like you're hearing someone else's story and realizing, oh my gosh, that reminds me of something like this. And so it's coming at, you know, this thing I'm avoiding and breaking down a barrier. It's like, oh, then we do the couple's connection, which I think is honestly very powerful, but the hardest because it's like no guardrails. It's like, okay, here we go. And anything can happen in this, you know, and then some of the rounds felt like an arena, like just lots of frustration. We're hitting a wall, stuff like that. And then, you know, we go to you know, our small small group where we have like a couple of couples kind of like checking in and having that, you know, with with how it went and with each other. And that also kind of like takes it away from it zooms the lens out a little bit. So then it comes at a different angle, and then you introduce like another possibility. And so each round gives a really great opportunity to just like take a layer off on like, okay, what am I avoiding actually? Is it really like you don't see me, you don't see all the work that I do? I'm like, or is it something else? And it's always there's something else. But what is it? Right. And so to me, there was a lot of points. Um one of the big the first big one for me at breakthrough was kind of figuring out what I was up to. And it is frustrating because it's something that I've that will probably be coming up for the rest of my life. And that's probably why it's so frustrating that since the beginning of us working together or and uh me being coached by you, uh, what was it, 2016, 2017? This like narrative, this fear of me being a burden, and it immediately was like, This is what I'm up to. And it's like, you've got to be kidding me again. So there's that that part, which I think was the biggest, like it just reeled straight through, right? It was a kind of like wow. And this I got based off of someone, another couple in the U expressing their pain, their child trauma that's showing up in their marriage. Because news flash, it doesn't go away. We were trying, you know, it shows up, right? And that was pretty powerful for me. And I think then what ended up happening is because mine became so immediate, I'm just like, Thomas, what's yours? Thomas, what's yours? And he's like, I don't have one, I don't have one, and then you know, and then again, one point of our couples connection where uh which was a really hard one, which was it's like it can't always just be me. And I think based off of Thomas wanting to stay neutral, that is that it's like I can I could feel that trying to reset constantly, which was frustrating because I'm like, I'm out over here, like can't you see this? And he's like, Yeah, I can. And I'm like, what about you? He's like, no, and I'm like, what? And then again, because they're so the of the rounds and that comes in another, like it gets to a point where it's like, oh this is, and you can express that if you want, Thomas, but um, I really enjoy, and that's a beautiful space. I mean, I've never been to the East Coast until I came to Breakthrough, Virginia, and I was like, wait, how do I move out here? Like, I do have that chronic problem where everywhere I travel, I'm like, so should we move here? You know, we've done that plenty of times and we're we're done with that, but my brain still likes to dream. Um but the environment and just the people like you have a bunch of people kind of like putting down their weapons and their armor and leaning in, and that energy just in a room is powerful, right? It's like it kind of destigmatizes the tension because you're like, wow, I'm no one special. A bunch of people here can relate to me in that regard, and so it kind of takes some of the power away, but then it's inspiring to then see people break through it. When you see other people start to do it, and you're like, it makes a possibility for you option like bigger.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. I think it does kind of like call you up to be at a higher level when you're seeing kind of a lot of people around you, like again, kind of just like in other aspects of life, like when you hang out with people who are pushing themselves physically and they're trying to improve themselves, like that kind of motivates you to do the same. And I think it's a for me, it was very much one of my favorite parts uh about each time we've come now, has been getting to be with people who are like very different in their backgrounds, very different in their life stage. But very similar in their focus on desire to have a strong marriage.
SPEAKER_04Yes. Yes. There's something so powerful about a room. You know, and it's 28 couples, but 28 couples all wanting to really grow as a spouse so they can create the marriage that they long for. It's a unique experience. And there's so much in what you were saying, Kayala. Overall, what I hear you saying is that it is a layering process that you cannot duplicate in coaching. You cannot duplicate in most types of workshops. It's just a unique process where many couples come in and saying, I had no idea what was what was keeping us stuck. But as you walk through the weekend, it is those layers that come off that you gradually are like, oh, that's what it is. So for the listeners, as you guys think about what is what you began to look at, this tension, which Thomas Kayala was describing that, or you described for yourself, that you were like a sponge trying to soak it all in, like to consume what I make up, is like consume the negative energy so that it would like leave the room, but then it lived in you. Is that kind of what it was for you?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, totally. I think it was it was like trying to bring peace or bring stability to a place. Um, but like, yeah, just kind of like taking it on myself to be like, I have to be the one who's all right. I have to be the one who's okay because nobody else is okay here.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02I have to do that.
SPEAKER_04Okay,
Owning Your Part Without Blame
SPEAKER_04good. And then um, Kayla, I don't know how clear we've gotten on kind of ultimately what I'd like the listeners to be able to hear is kind of what do you recognize you were contributing to these weekends of tension? Because the tension would last all through the weekend. It was driving you guys further and further apart. Um, and what do you recognize was your biggest contribution to what wasn't working?
SPEAKER_03Oh gosh, so many. Um well, like my definitely my contribution was it's so interesting because when I say it out loud, it it's like, well, duh, that is not doesn't make sense, but my subconscious did make it make sense and I was running on it, right? So me doing all these things for the family.
SPEAKER_02You got quotation marks up right now for people who do. Yeah, sorry, sorry.
SPEAKER_03So me doing all these things for the family, quote unquote, uh, to be like the like I'm trying to be the hero. I look, I'm also in my way trying to keep things middle. I that would allow Thomas sometimes to disengage, but also would allow me the ability to blame him, you know, where it's like I'm taking care of things and I still like I don't take a nap, or like a lot of blaming, a lot of when like when it was quiet and it was a two of us, like a lot of avoidance. I would be scrolling on my phone. I need to do something with social media to for my business. I'm a photographer, and I'm like, I need to, you know, I work with that excuse, and then I'm doom scrolling for 45 minutes and then get ready for bed.
SPEAKER_04Um or um what I hear you saying, it was it was basically trying to do everything to earn love. And in that, not getting the love back. So it was easier just to stay busy to try and earn more love, but it still wasn't get you weren't, it wasn't producing love, it was actually producing more disconnection. Is that what you're saying? Exactly. Yeah, yes. And for you, Thomas, was it like what was bringing like they weren't okay and you had to be okay? So what do you recognize? What how would you describe the contribution in that to what wasn't working?
SPEAKER_02Maybe unpack that a little bit for me. So when you're saying not working in terms of the the specific situation of like feeling like I have to be okay? Or yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04Was it yeah, I'm I'm imagining it was along the lines of you just didn't want to feel anything that was uncomfortable. I don't know if that's true, but like what do you recognize? Was it um really what were you doing that you recognized was um creating disconnection?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. So I guess I'll I'll kind of walk you through my mind loop as I experienced it. Um and feel free to poke at me. Um I think the the way that I would perceive it would be oh, like there is so much pain or discontent or or just challenge that everybody in my family is experiencing. And no one is here to save them. I have to be here to provide that backstop. Because heaven forbid, I didn't, and nobody was there, and then like, you know, who knows what kind of unknown catastrophe would occur then if like there was nobody there who could just like sit in the chaos and be there for each person and their own individual needs where they're at. Um but I it what I wasn't doing as as we were talking, as like we've kind of grown through this, is I wasn't actually acknowledging how angry I was in a given situation or how hurt I was in a given situation, or just how frustrating a thing was, right? Um almost as if like by me saying that I had to be careful because then I would like you know put wind in the sails of everyone else's emotionality. Yeah, yeah. So I had to be like, I had to be like, no, hey, look, bright side, this is where we're at, how we're doing. It's all good. I'm gonna go take care of this person in the special way that they need being taken care of, and then I'll go and serve this other person in the special way they need to be taken care of.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um not realizing to like Tikiala's point is that I would actually become more and more remote and distant the more that I pulled these things into myself. And I wasn't actually serving the goal that I had in my heart of wanting to be there as like a a you know, a loving father and spouse for my family. I was actually just kind of like sucking stuff in and getting more and more zombified.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, makes sense. So I hear a lot in there, you didn't want, you weren't being honest with yourself or everyone else about how you were feeling. And so you became the one that was trying to keep everybody in order. But in reality, inside you were getting more, you were disordered. And that needed to be in the room. Like everyone needed to be able to understand like, hey, your choices are making an impact on me. But if they never know that their choices are making an impact on you, then they just get to be bigger and they just get to be more expressive because dad can take it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, exactly. I think that's been a big not just for our relationship, like with Kaala, but I think with my kids too, is being able to kind of have that conversation of like, oh, hey, like, hey, dude, that that makes me pretty upset. Or like I'm kind of mad right now, right? And it's not that I'm like, oh, I'm yelling at you or anything like this. Like, but to your point, I think I was almost just kind of making, oh, like dad's impervious. Dad can take anything, so I can throw whatever I want at dad. And like he can handle whatever that is. And it's like, I do want them to still be able to come to me and know that I'm a safe place for whatever big feelings that they're having or whatever crisis they're in. Um, but letting them also know that it is okay as a grown human being uh to have feelings and to show that I am being affected by them too.
SPEAKER_04Yes, yes, yes. So,
New Habits That Build Connection
SPEAKER_04what would you both say was your work? Like, what did you begin to shift, right? So for you, Kayala, you uh chose avoidance, you chose um trying to do everything to earn love. What did you shift to? And for you, Thomas, as you were trying to be a sponge to contain everything, what what did you shift to? Thomas, you've kind of alluded to that in what you just shared, but if there's any more clarity about like how did you begin to just start speaking the truth?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so I mean, I would break it down as like there's like the tactical and the methodological, which apologies. I'm like a process improvement guy, so like this is kind of like the lingo coming out here, but like there was the tactical stuff, which was very kind of oh hey, like I'm noticing in moment X an opportunity to take action Y, where I'm like, oh hey, this is a space where I'm actually feeling something and I am like recognizing that in my body, and I'm recognizing the exact same stuff I've been coaching my kid on, and like not actually performing myself, or like um, you know, recognizing in a moment, like, oh, Kyle just said something that struck me as quite offensive or struck me as quite like of a of a jab. But wait a second, do I know that that's the case? And like, let me actually be curious about that rather than like put that on a pile of other rude comments I'm holding on to. Um and then, like, but I think the the methodological part, like the big part for me about going to breakthrough was understanding what to do about that. Like there's one thing to see it, but then to be able to say, like, just to feel like I have the practice, which I think that Kayla, you mentioned this a little bit, like going through the steps of like being with a group, talking about something, stepping away and doing it with a smaller group and talking about it, then stepping further away to just the two of us and practicing it, and then dealing with whatever that was and coming back to the big group and kind of like doing this this process, like it it gave me more confidence in the actual method of like, oh, hey, I'm feeling this way, or like, hey, like this is kind of like the the language or the kind of the again, like the methodology that we can use to connect or to communicate about these like really sharp pooky things.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, what about you, Kayla?
SPEAKER_03Um it called me to take more responsibility about my role in the family, like and taking ownership of it because I think before in this weird mind jumble of justification, I used my busyness as an excuse to not connect with the family, so that you know, ultimately, it's like if I'm doing all these other things, uh, I'm not a burden. I'm taking care of everybody, uh, all the needs, laundry's all the things, all the needs are being met, but I'm not connecting with my family because there's a lot of gray there. And like it's really uncomfortable sometimes to stop. And even for me, learning how to if we're just like to zoom out a bit just for my kids to be bored with them and that be okay, you know, like no, it we're not tag teaming, I'm not using this as an excuse to disconnect from everybody. I mean, motherhood and being a business owner is hard, but this is nothing new, right? It doesn't have to be I'm the victim or I'm the martyr. Look at me do all these things. That's not getting me anywhere, it's not building connection with anybody, it's just me on my own little island throwing my own little parade. And so it was for my kids specifically, which then kind of just started pointing the ship in the right direction for me mentally. Was no, I it's like I don't have to do all these things. No one's making me do all these things, and to whenever I notice it, be like to stop the doing and when my kids ask to play. So that was my first one. It's like whenever my kids ask me to play, I play. I didn't I realize I always said no. And then for Thomas specifically, it was when like if he if I'm saying he's my best friend, how do I treat him as my best friend? This is something Thomas discovered a lot and is really stuck with me. On okay, like it's not just about me trying to show Thomas at the end of the day all these things I've done and just kind of suffocating the room with my with like my amazingness, you know, on like, yeah, you worked, but look at all the hats I had to put on and the flyers I had to take out, which made me feel bigger and made him and was trying to make him smaller subconsciously. And so now it's like my for me, I have to I try and keep my catch-ups or my thoughts shorter. So I'm not like justifying all these cool things I've done, and then actively ask him when he's talking about I have this, they've changed the launch for this. And like, tell me more about that. I want to get curious and also trying to remember when he tells me it's like I have this big meeting with this new team on this day at this time, so that an hour after I can text him because that's what I would do with my best friend, right? How did it go? Tell me about it. Um, stuff like that, where it's like I need to stop again. It's like it, I'm not definitely not perfect at it. There's a default for a reason, but I I can tell the default is starting to shift.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. And what I hear you saying is that your come from shifted from trying to earn love to actually wanting to create connection, connection with the boys, connection with Thomas. And that's a very different come from. And most of us think we're coming into situations because we want to connect, but our results are what reveals that. And so you were trying to do all these things thinking that was going to create connection, but it was actually creating bitterness and resentment because it was from it was out of giving to get versus I want to connect with you. And if this other stuff doesn't get done, that's not more important than connecting with you.
SPEAKER_03Right. And it's also for kids specific, because you're I'm not getting that instant gratification with them. Like it's a long game for that. You know what I mean? So all I think of it as is, you know, like if maybe there was tension with my son on something. Had to pouring out the parent or whatever, it's like I am laying bricks. Yes, this might not feel like connection to you, but I just laid the bricks. Yes, yes. It's like we are laying the bricks of the foundation of the pathway so that we can have deeper connection in the future, even though it looks different.
Why Faster Repair Creates Joy
SPEAKER_04So, in closing, would you just share kind of what is the value? Like what is what is new in this being able to work through a conflict that would have taken an hour or would have taken a weekend. Now it takes an hour. Like, what is the difference for you? What difference does that make for each of you?
SPEAKER_03For me, it weekends are more joyful. They are less stressful. Um they're more, I mean, like joy in the sense of like there's not like this oppressive like resentment is like hanging in a cloud over everything. Like we have more fun and it's also more relaxed, right? Like, I as a person who does, I'm like, let's do all these cool things so that we can show that we because this is what a fun weekend looks like. It's like, what does that actually look like? It's us, it's like it is a lot more pared down than I normally would do. Um, and call it good. Uh it's also it's also really nice to feel the difference of weight off of even the like there's a mental and emotional weight when you're kind of representing something, right? It's holding space even though it's not loudly out and about, right? And taking that and chipping away at it or calling it out, you know, when I'm starting to see it, there is less of a weight toward, or like darkness or fog towards my spouse, towards my partner with Thomas, because there and the pot, and then that means there's room for more possibilities, not and so like feeling the difference of what was there, taking that space, that resentment, and removing that and seeing just how much room it was taking, I think has made a big difference in the life after, which makes coming to these points of tension with less of my ego, with less of my story of like here we go again, running. It's like it makes it helps me see things for what they are in the moment without me being protecting my precious ego. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04What about you, Thomas?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think for me a really big thing has been I think we've always been really good partners, and we've always been really good at just getting stuff done and managing our lives. Um for me, the biggest change has been like starting to feel again like the emotional refuge and the emotional like tailwind coming from my friendship and my love with Kayala. Where this isn't just a oh hey, yeah, we're we're good at dividing tasks up and executing and ensuring that nothing burns down and that bills get paid and yada yada yada, but like something which previously had been either a neutral or even like a drain on what I felt was my emotional reservoir or stamina or like joy. Um being able to feel like it can again be a little bit, it can be more of that that kind of again, that rejuvenating source for me where I can feel joy to come back in with Kaala at the end of the day and throughout the day to be able to share things and again, like kind of just to return to that friendship that I think really brought us together in the first place.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, powerful. It's ultimately what we all long for, right? We go into marriage thinking we're just gonna be best friends for the rest of our life, and we don't realize that there's some deeper things we got to work through in order to keep experiencing that friendship that we long for. So thank you guys so much for sharing your experience. I really appreciate you um letting us in to see what is life like behind closed doors for couples and how do they transform their marriages? And so I think many people will relate to um some of what you guys have shared and and your experience. So thank you so much. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity.
Invitation To The Marriage Growth Community
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