Why You Can't Heal Your Marriage Stuck in The Past

Resentment doesn’t just live in the past—it shapes how couples react in the present, keeping them stuck in painful cycles of blame, shutdown, and repeated conflict. In this episode, we unpack how unresolved hurt influences your reactions, explore the difference between survival mode and thriving mode in marriage, and share practical ways to respond creatively instead of reacting by default. If you’re ready to loosen resentment’s grip and create a healthier, more connected relationship, this conversation will give you a hopeful new perspective.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Core Belief

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Hey Julia Woods Podcast. I'm your host, Julia Woods, founder of Beautiful Outcome, a coaching company focused on helping couples learn to see and understand each other, even in the most difficult conversations. On my podcast, I will share with you the real and raw of the messiness and amazingness of marriage. I'll share with you aspects of my relationship and the couples I coach in a way that you can see yourself and find the tools that you need to build the marriage you long for. Welcome to another episode of Hey Julia Woods. Today we are going to talk about something that I believe gets many, many couples stuck, that keeps them stuck. The mindset gets them stuck, and then because they believe this, they stay stuck. And ultimately, it is this belief that couples often tell me is that we cannot move forward until we heal this past offense. And while I'm aware that that may seem accurate, it's actually a very incorrect thinking.

Resentment As Unresolved Hurt

SPEAKER_00 1:10

So if you think about pain, yes, it's very real. But most unresolved pain is simply resentment. So when you get hurt and you go to sleep with that hurt unresolved, it turns into resentment. Resentment is just simply unresolved hurt. And every night that passes, every night you sleep on that unresolved hurt, it becomes deeper and deeper resentment. And the truth is, resentment is personal healing work. It's not just couples work, it's really about the individual healing the issue, healing the pain. We're going to come back to that here in a few minutes. But resentment is not a couple issue, it is a personal issue. So all this really stems from this beautiful thing

Why The Brain Replays Pain

SPEAKER_00 2:10

we have as human beings called our brain. And our brains are simply predicting machines. So what happens is when I get hurt, and that hurt tends, turns to resentment, then what happens is it's stuck in the amygdala of the brain. So each new moment that's happening, the pain is being projected into this new moment as though it's happening right now, in this moment. For example, maybe your spouse hurt you yesterday or hurt you two days ago. But you're sitting with them today as though they just did it, right? Because that resentment inside of you about what hurts is projecting onto them the pain. Like the amygdala of the brain is consistently reminding you today of how badly they hurt you, as if it's happening right now. And that connects to what Richard Rohr says, where he says that whatever pain we do not let transform us, we will transmit. So we keep transmitting that pain into the present moment as though it's happening today. And it winds up that we keep, as we keep replaying that pain, it winds up projecting into the future and we keep experiencing the same pain over and over. So when we say I cannot move on, what we really mean is that it feels like this pain is gonna keep happening in the future, and that's not what I want. So if you resonate with this, hold in. I'm taking you to a new option, a new way.

Healing Happens In The Present

SPEAKER_00 4:03

And that is that you cannot change the past. You what you do get is to show up in this present moment, because healing only happens in the present moment. And as human beings, we really greatly dislike being present. And while that may seem um odd to say, we really, really don't like it. I want to sit with you right now, as you're sitting in this present moment, how present are you? Are you sitting in this present moment thinking about the things that you regret from the past, blaming others for what's currently not going the way you want it to go in your life, fearing the future, that the pain that you felt in the past is going to happen again in the future? Or maybe sitting here doubting yourself as though you don't feel capable of or have the courage to show up in what is presently happening. Whatever's presently happening, whether it is family drama, whether it is a conflict in your marriage, whether it's work tension, this is happening for you. And your opportunity is to get present in this moment. But if you show up present doubting yourself, those doubts are coming from the past. They're not here in the present moment. Those fears and insecurities that you have that something is gonna bad is gonna happen, that's coming from past memories of bad things that have happened. That's not coming from what's

Blame Keeps Couples Stuck

SPEAKER_00 5:48

present. So you see, as human beings, we do antics working to keep ourselves from being present. The biggest way that we do that in our marriage is we blame our spouse. We believe that they are the problem. And until they see that they're doing this wrong, until they get out of depression, until they stop shutting down in conflicts, until they're willing to talk maturely, we can't get anywhere. Do you see how that is keeping you stuck? That's keeping you passive. And it's keeping um it keeps reminding you of the past. All of those things are coming from the past. You're thinking about what they've done in the past. If they've shut down in almost every conversation that you've had, that doesn't mean in this present moment that they're going to shut down. Your brain is telling you that's what's gonna happen. But at some point, there is an opportunity for something new to happen, and you are a big contributor to something new happening. But as long as you believe that they're gonna shut down just like they always do, then you actually are gonna get to be right that, see, I knew they shut down. And we're gonna go deeper in this. But when you hold on to a fence, it gives you proof that they are a problem, that your spouse is the problem. That's why as a spouse, we love holding on to a fence. We love holding on to hurt and letting it turn to resentment. Because all those resentments we have built up get to keep making us right that they are the problem. Right? So each of your, when your spouse, let's say that you fear your spouse is gonna shut down, as you fear they're gonna shut down in this present moment, you are showing up in automatic reactions that you're not even aware you have. Maybe you get silent, maybe you blame them, maybe you withdraw, right? All of those little automatic reactions is a part of what keeps the same cycle going and lets you keep reinforcing the same outcome.

The Survival Cycle Explained

SPEAKER_00 8:28

What I'm describing to you is what's called the survival cycle. And as human beings, the survival cycle is default in our DNA. It's what we naturally do without thinking. And this reside, this uh survival cycle, here's what it goes like. So an event happens. Maybe um, you know, you start to talk to your spouse about something uncomfortable in your day. And in the survival cycle, what happens is you're you automatically start resisting what's happening, right? Like you're you're looking at the expression on their face and or you're realizing, oh my goodness, I'm being vulnerable, I'm expressing something. And your brain goes, oh no, no, no, I shouldn't be doing this. Oh, no, no, no. I know where it's gonna go. And you're you tap into the filing cabinet from the past that begins to pull all of these moments where your spouse shut down or you regretted being vulnerable, or you recognize, oh, this is not gonna go well, right? That's what all the past events that happen. And what happens next is you automatically react. Whatever that automatic reaction looks like for you, right? Maybe you decide, like, oh, well, you know, I don't know why I'm telling you this, or hey, I don't have time to talk about this right now, or um, you know, I I don't know why I started telling you this. It's not that important, or whatever your automatic reaction is. And then your spouse responds, and you you start responding back and forth, and it likely blows up, and then your spouse shuts down. And you get to say, see, I knew I was right. I knew I shouldn't have said anything because I knew that's exactly what they were going to do. That is the surviving cycle. That is how we stay stuck in the past and we block the very thing that we long for in the present moment and in the future.

The Thriving Cycle And Surrender

SPEAKER_00 10:49

If you're familiar with this survival cycle, there is another way, and it is called the thriving cycle. And the thriving cycle is it's it's quite different in that the moment an event happens, instead of resisting it, you choose to surrender. You choose to surrender in this present moment. I don't mean like surrender, wave a white flag, just give up, whatever, let my spouse do what they're gonna do. No, it's surrender, like open your hands to receive a gift. It's like, okay, this is a new moment. I don't know what's gonna happen. We haven't been here before. I don't know what's been happening in my spouse's heart and what's been happening in my heart. And we get to try something new. And as you surrender to the present moment, it allows you to stay in the here and now. Your brain doesn't go to the filing cabinet pulling all the evidence from the past. Instead, it stays right here in the present moment, being present with what's happening right here and right now. And instead of an automatic response, instead you choose a creative response. In the survival cycle, you're simply reacting. In the thriving cycle, you are responding. Right? And maybe in this moment you think, huh, I just launched into this story and I don't even know if this is a good time for my spouse to listen. And so maybe your creative response is, hey, I just want to check in. Is this a good time for me to share with you about my day? And that creative response, that choosing something new, opens up new possibilities and you will get a new response. Maybe your spouse says, actually, thanks. This it really isn't a good time, but I do want to hear what you have to say. So can we connect later tonight or whatever it is? That's just an example. But a creative response is sitting in this present moment, looking at this as a new opportunity, not judging and criticizing and fearing what's going to happen, but instead choosing to believe that this moment is happening for me. And as I show up taking steps towards the future I long for, the future I long for is going to become my reality. This is powerful. This is the opportunity of what it looks like to show up in the present rather than going to the

Hurt Is Data Plus Meaning

SPEAKER_00 13:46

past. So, in the beginning, I said to you that resentment is personal work. What do I mean by that? Let's talk about that. So, resentment is unresolved hurt. And the unique thing about hurt is hurt is 10% data and 90% meaning, right? So maybe an example of that is like my spouse, maybe I'm hurt because my spouse says, you make me so mad. And maybe that hurt me. Well, the data is your spouse simply said that something that you do or say triggered anger for them. That's their work. When anger gets triggered in them, that's really about them. But the meaning you may have attached to it is something more about you. Like maybe, well, if something I do makes them mad, then that must mean I'm unlovable. Or I'm doing something wrong if I'm making them mad. That's the meaning that you've attached that is causing you pain. And when you will sit with the meaning, get clear about what's the meaning I've attached to the data, and is the meaning I've attached really true, you are you don't feel hurt anymore. You have the opportunity to get curious, like, huh? I wonder what about that triggers anger in my spouse. And is there something for me to look at in how I'm responding or reacting? Maybe. But ultimately, it's an opportunity to get curious. And when I get curious, I'm no longer hurt because I'm actually offering care to myself and to my spouse. So hurt, it is very, very important that we let ourselves be present with the hurt as quickly as we can. Because as we heal our hurt, it is much easier to show up in the thriving cycle. It's much easier to separate the past from the present. And the cool thing about this is when you begin to show up present, healing the hurt that are happening in the present moment, the past winds up resolving itself. So when I work with my clients

Let The Past Resolve By Living Now

SPEAKER_00 16:18

and they come to me saying, We cannot move forward until we heal this pain from the past. I empathize and I compassionately let them know. Well, first I get curious with them, how's that been working for you? Like I imagine it's been a while. You've been trying to heal this offense in order to move forward. How's that working? And usually they'll realize it's not, because it doesn't actually work that way. What I need to do, if I want to heal the past, if I want to heal and create the marriage that I long for, I gotta start in the present. And I gotta get honest about what is the future I long for? What is the marriage that I long for? And then each moment I show up in the present, looking at what I'm choosing and deciding is that taking me towards the future I long for or away from it? When it's taking me away from it, I can shift and start showing up in the ways that are going to take me towards the future that I long for. And as I do this work with couples and we keep showing up in the present, looking, each of them looking at what they're choosing, they begin to heal. They begin to create something new. They begin to experience hope that the marriage they long for is possible. And without even intentionally trying to do it, they start, the past starts healing itself. And what they once were offended by, they're no longer offended by because they're recognizing that most of what they were hurt by is the meaning they were attaching to it. So I'm inviting you to recognize that every moment is a new opportunity, a new opportunity to reconnect, to repair, to restore, to create something new. And the biggest blocker of that happening is you staying stuck in the past. Would you be willing to get present and let the beauty of reconnecting and creating something new begin in this present moment? Thank you so much for joining

Share The Episode And Join Community

SPEAKER_00 18:48

me. If this episode connected for you, would you share it with someone that you think is wanting to grow a thriving marriage? Thank you so much. I want to talk to you about something super exciting. It's a game changer, really. To have the relationship you long for, you must take responsibility for yourself and who you are being moment by moment. It's not about what your spouse needs to change, it's about you taking control of the only thing you can control, which is you. That's the truth that nobody's talking about when they talk about marriage. But I am inside the marriage growth community where I will help you take responsibility for your ability to lead conversations with your spouse to love and connection so you can have the marriage you dreamed of when you first fell in love. At the very first link in the show notes, you can grab my marriage growth community, and that's really going to help. I know that because it's based on the same principles I've used to coach this couple and hundreds of other couples to marriage success over the last nine years. So grab marriage growth community at the top of the show notes.