3 Vital Valentine Conversations

Valentine’s Day is meant to feel romantic, but for many couples, it brings pressure, disappointment, or silence. In this episode, we share a simple three-conversation framework to help you design Valentine’s Day (or any special holiday) with clarity instead of guessing…before, during, and after the day itself. If you’re ready to trade dread and over-functioning for intentional connection, this conversation will show you how to create a Valentine’s Day that actually brings you closer.

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Transcript

Why Special Days Hurt Or Heal

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Hey Julia Woods Podcast. I'm your host, Julia Woods, founder of Beautiful Outcome, a coaching company focused on helping couples learn to see and understand each other, even in the most difficult conversations. On my podcast, I will share with you the real and raw of the messiness and amazingness of marriage. I'll share with you aspects of my relationship and the couples I coach in a way that you can see yourself and find the tools that you need to build the marriage you long for. Hey, welcome to another episode of Hey Julia Woods. I am excited to bring to you a framework of three vital conversations for you to have. While Valentine's Day is coming up, these conversations are vital for any special occasion that you have with your spouse, whether that is Valentine's Day, your anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, holidays, you know, a celebration of something that you've accomplished. Special occasions come up in our life all the time. And they are opportunities to let our spouse know that we love them and that they matter and that we see them. It is an opportunity for us to recognize that we matter, that we belong, that we are seen, and that we are valued. And yet these special occasions can often become a source of hurt and disappointment rather than creating connection and love, loving each other and experiencing what it is that we long for. And that is not by chance. These holidays are points of tension often, right? If in your household they are beautiful moments of connecting and healing and mattering and belonging, beautiful. If that's you, I invite you to listen along and hear what you might, uh, what might how this framework might help you in another area where tension is showing up. And if you're like me and my husband, where these holidays trigger tension, I want you to know this you're not alone. And this is written specifically for you in mind to walk you through what can transform your holidays into really beautiful experiences that are healing rather than harming. So when we have these opportunities to create something special for our spouse, the truth is it takes time, it takes intention and often money to create something special and help our spouse know that they matter. And life in the world today is busy and it is easy to avoid or put off planning or preparing for what it is that we long for. And often holidays like Valentine's Day or special occasions leave us feeling hurt and disappointment. And if that's what you're feeling, that's not that's not by chance. You're not alone because there is a lot underneath that hurt, that disappointment, that dread, whatever the tension is that's coming up for you. And it's perfect if you're listening to this right now. Just be with yourself and think and let yourself feel what's coming up for you around Valentine's Day. Maybe you're so busy you haven't even given it a second thought. Would you just sit with yourself for a moment and let yourself feel what does come up for me around holidays? Maybe you're at the point where you're like, it's just dumb. It's just a hallmark holiday to get us to spend money. Well, I invite you to consider that there might be something deeper underneath that jaded sense towards this holiday. And while there is truth that it is man-made as a purpose for generating revenue, what does it actually mean to your spouse? And what if you could do it without it needing any money whatsoever? And you didn't have to go along with the um commercialism of it. If you are feeling like, I just don't even, I don't even want to think about it. I know nothing's gonna happen. I know nothing's gonna be brought up unless I bring it up and I just don't have the energy today. Again, I invite you to consider what wants to be revealed. What is being revealed in that tension is for your healing. And you get to decide if you want to press it down and ignore it, or you actually want to be with it and see what healing is inviting you. If you're of the place where you're like, okay, I've got to do it all and I've got to lay it all out and I've got to do the whole thing, and then hopefully I'll feel special and there won't be disappointment and there won't be upset. Again, that's something to notice. Wherever you're at, whatever's coming up for you, I just invite you to be with it because the holidays is an opportunity to give and receive. It is an opportunity to give and receive love, to give and receive belonging and mattering. It is an opportunity to give and receive hope and connection and intimacy. These are at the heart of what is available to us. But what happens is when we, before we ever got married, in our childhood, we began to learn how to relate to ourself, to others, and life in this area of giving and receiving. We have these limiting beliefs about who we are, about who our spouse is, about how love works for us in the world. We have beliefs that say, I don't matter. We have beliefs that say, I'm not enough, I'm not worthy, I don't have what it takes. No matter what I do, it's not going to be good enough. We have experiences and baggage from our past of unhealed hurts where we didn't feel like we mattered and we didn't feel like we belonged. So as an adult, it's easiest just to reject that sense of mattering and belonging rather than to actually invite it into its wholeness and healing. And then we have often unrealistic expectations. We have society pressures. And we have all these things going on simultaneously, where often we have children pulling at us for the things we need to do for their parties and their friends and our, you know, work uh requirements and all these things. And all of this chaos, as I call it, is underneath the surface, driving us. And it has been under the surface before you and your spouse ever met. And what happened is when you got married, you started building a system with your spouse of how you will approach these special occasions or these special opportunities. Think about your very first holidays together, that first year you were together. Think about those holidays and what they were like. And then think about what they're like now. Are they drastically different? I can tell you for me, my husband lavished on me in every holiday in the first year that we were together. And then, man, the bitterness and the resentment built up, and our holidays became what they were like when we were children. While the context and what they looked like were different, both of us grew up in holidays feeling lonely, feeling disappointed, feeling like we didn't matter, feeling like we didn't belong, feeling like something was wrong with us. And unknowingly, while our holidays started off beautiful, what we built together was a system to get back to what felt familiar to us before we ever were married. So it is a subconscious system that you built out of assumptions and vagueness, which are all driven by the beliefs we have about ourselves, others, and life, about our value and worth, and our ability to give and receive love. So I want to just invite you into the simplest way to get grounded and start checking in with yourself. If you can, just be with me for a minute and pause what's going on around you. And I want you to think about what you currently feel about the last few Valentine's days in your marriage. I'm gonna read to you, I'm gonna say out loud the most common eight emotions, and I want you to just feel, close your eyes, if you will, and just let your body feel and see what emotion most gets a spark about what you most feel about the last few Valentine's Days that you had. So here we go. Hurt, sad, lonely, anger, fear, shame, guilt, glad. Now, think about the feelings. Write that down if you can, or just hold it in your mind. What are the two biggest emotions you most connected with that you feel about your last few Valentine's Day? Now, I want you to think about the feelings that you most remember feeling about Valentine's Day as a kid. I'm gonna say the emotions again. I want you to think back those Valentine's Day parties at school, or you didn't go to school, so you didn't have that, or how your parents showed up with you, right? Did you feel hurt, sad, lonely, anger, fear, shame, guilt, glad? What are the two most biggest emotions you felt back then as a child about Valentine's Day? Do you see any connection between what you most feel now with Valentine's Day with your spouse? We subconsciously create what we're used to or what we're familiar with. So if you would like to create something new and you would love to be experiencing intimacy and connection and gladness and healing, then stay with me because here are the three vital conversations that can help you do that. Now, these are divided into timing. So the first one is something you want to do prior to the to the special occasion. Give yourself some space, a week or two. Now, you're hearing this, if you're listening to it right when it got um launched, you're you don't have a week. So you have a few days. Great. Use this time. If you're listening to this post-Valentine's Day, great. Write these down and prepare yourself for the next special occasion coming up. We are not far from Mother's Day, we are not far from Father's Day, and for many of you, we may not be far from your anniversary or your birthday. So here is the pre-holiday conversation prompt. And that is, what do we want to cause for each other this Valentine's Day or whatever special occasion it is? And what does each of us need in order to cause that? So, what do I mean by cause, right? So often in life we are fighting for what we don't want, right? I don't want my spouse to be disappointed. I don't want this to end in a fight. I don't want us to be sitting at dinner staring at each other, not knowing what to talk about. Those are all the things we don't want. And that's often what we focus on. But what happens is wherever our focus goes, there our energy flows. So we wind up recreating the very thing we say we don't want. Because what's needed is we need to shift into what am I fighting for? And that's what it means to look at what you want to cause. If you're fighting for intimacy, if you're fighting for feeling loved, both you and your spouse feeling seen and known, oh wow. Now we've got our all of our creativity engaged. Versus when I'm fighting for what I don't want, when I'm fighting against something, my creativity is like, well, I don't know how to help you not create something, but I do know how to help you create something. So what you want to cause is what you most long for. And if you get committed, let's say you're committed to cause connection. Now all of a sudden, all of your body, your brain is working with you to say, okay, how could I cause connection? What would that look like? What do I need to do? What is it that, you know, what do I, how can I contribute? And what do I need in order to do that from myself and maybe from my spouse? So I'm gonna read that pre-Valentine's Day question one more time. And that is, what do I want to cause for myself and my spouse? Right? So this is a conversation you're gonna have with each other. So I'm gonna change the phrasing just a little bit, and that is, what do we want to cause for each other this Valentine's Day? And what does each of us need in order to cause that? Now, you're asking this as with each other, but be warned. It's really about you. What do you want to cause? And what do you need in order to cause that? And while you're coming together in alignment, if you both agree to cause connection, then you look at, okay, what is it that I need in order to create that? And you both might want to cause something different. One of you might want to cause connection, and one of you might want to cause fun. Great. Those marry together beautifully. Maybe one of you wants to cause peace and the other wants to cause excitement. Great. Those go together beautifully. You're gonna need to partner in it because what you're up to, what you're choosing to do is going to impact your spouse and vice versa. And so, an example of what you might need is maybe you need to get clear together on what it is that your time around the holiday looks like. Like maybe you need to celebrate on a day that's different than what the calendar says is the special occasion. Maybe you need to work through some forgiveness for what happened in the past. Maybe you need a list from your spouse of what would make them feel special, right? So these are some examples of what you might need to cause. Then that prepares you for the next conversation, which the conversation is on Valentine's Day or the holiday itself, right? So a way to connect on the holiday itself. The pre-conversation is what are we going to do for the holiday? How are we going to set this up in a way that we create healing and connection and what we're committed to cause? Then the conversation on the holiday itself is what's one way I could love you more intentionally today or in this season, right? We often come up with these cheesy different conversation starters of, you know, uh, what's our favorite Valentine's Day? Or what's your favorite holiday memory as a child, or blah, blah, blah, right? Well, this conversation starter of what's one way I could love you more intentionally in this season, it is a conversation starter that you can bring deep connection, that can bring deep intimacy. So this is a conversation starter if you've decided to have dinner together or go on a coffee date together. This is a powerful conversation starter for any holiday, any check-in point. And so that is one option. I also post every Friday seven fun conversation prompts. So if you want some other ones, there is more available for you. Then there is the third vital conversation, which is the post-Valentine's Day conversation or the post-holiday conversation. And that is what worked about what we did, what didn't work about what we did, and what's wanted and needed moving forward. Often we walk away from holidays disappointed and we don't even acknowledge it, one to ourselves or to our spouse. And then the next time we're in a fight, ooh, it comes out as a weapon. Like you didn't even put much thought into that. You don't care that much about me. And look at what you did on Valentine's Day. Like I had told you a week prior what I wanted, and you didn't even acknowledge that or care. And you got me something I told you I didn't want. Ooh, we don't want those things, right? Or often we can walk away from our date disappointed, thinking, man, I did not do well with that one. I did not hit that one out of the park. And I think my spouse is really disappointed. And man, I just mess up every time. Why do I even try? Well, what if your spouse wasn't disappointed? I deal with this, we're get to experience this many times on coaching calls where my clients that I'm coaching, they lead couples connections every week. And often a spouse will say, say, I think I just blew it and I didn't do a good job. And I'm like, are you open to feedback? And they ask their spouse, like, it seemed like you didn't really enjoy that. Is that true? And their spouse is like, no, I don't know how you thought that. I really did enjoy that. And they discover that their fears about what didn't work actually weren't even needed because a lot more worked than what they realized. So this framework of following up a holiday a day or two after, or even on the drive home from the date or the holiday, what worked about what we did to cause what we were committed to cause, right? If we were committed to cause connection, what worked about what we did to cause connection, what didn't work to cause connection, and what's wanted and needed moving forward. This framework is vitally important. And if the holiday is already passed and you simply do this one last one, or you're moving up to the next holiday and you're like, okay, let's just start with what worked about the last holiday, what didn't work, what's wanted and needed, it's going to be beautiful. Any of these three conversation starters are wonderful conversation starters for anything. And yet, when you put them all three together, you sandwich a holiday in these three conversation starters, you're going to create new outcomes. You're going to up-level your holidays and your special occasions. Because we all know that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. So we can grow. You can grow meaningful, connecting, and loved-filled experiences, the ones that you long for on these special occasions with your spouse. It simply takes being honest about what you have, where you're at, what is it that you're feeling, and what is it that you long to feel? What is your spouse feeling about the upcoming holiday? And what is it that they long to feel? It's about getting vulnerable about what you actually are wanting and needing and what it is that you're expecting, and whether those expectations are realistic or really unrealistic based on the season that you're in or where you're at in your relationship, and getting honest about what could you both expect or create together based on what current reality is? It takes ownership to be able to partner with your spouse to build what it is that you long for on special occasions and curiosity to keep doing less of what isn't working and more of what is. So I'm going to ask you what is it that you're going to do with? This opportunity of Valentine's Day or whatever holiday is coming up. It is an opportunity and you likely have some tension around it. And that tension is being revealed for you to heal. It's up to you if you want to press into the tension and move through it to the healing waiting for you on the other side. I hope you are ready to build something new. And if you found this episode helpful, would you help spread this podcast by doing a couple different things? One, would you subscribe to the podcast? And would you rate it? Would you leave me a review? And then if you're willing to download it, that also is a really helpful way of spreading it. Of course, always share the link with a friend or your spouse, someone that you want to invite in because you know that they long to grow deeper connection and stronger marriages, just like you. Thank you so much for joining me. I wish you a happy Valentine's Day or whatever holiday is just is just around the corner for you. I want to talk to you about something super exciting. It's a game changer, really. To have the relationship you long for, you must take responsibility for yourself and who you are being moment by moment. It's not about what your spouse needs to change. It's about you taking control of the only thing you can control, which is you. That's the truth that nobody's talking about when they talk about marriage. But I am inside the marriage growth community where I will help you take responsibility for your ability to lead conversations with your spouse to love and connection so you can have the marriage you dreamed of when you first fell in love. At the very first link in the show notes, you can grab my marriage growth community, and that's really going to help. I know that because it's based on the same principles I've used to coach this couple and hundreds of other couples to marriage success over the last nine years. So grab marriage growth community at the top of the show notes.