Hey Julia Woods
Join me, Julia Woods, a couples coach and wife of over 3 decades, as I share some of my client's stories and my own so that you can be encouraged, inspired, and gain new results in your marriage.
Hey Julia Woods
Turn Holiday Tension Into Connection
The holidays promise joy, but for many they amplify grief, overwhelm, and unspoken expectations. In this episode, we explore why December can feel so heavy and how to shift from survival mode to genuine connection through emotional maturity. You’ll hear a powerful client story that traces seasonal stress back to an ungrieved loss, and learn how simple mindset shifts, like turning “have to” into “choose to,” can instantly lighten the load. We break down a practical toolkit for navigating the season: naming your emotions, identifying the thoughts beneath them, and taking responsibility for what you need. You’ll also get exercises for redefining traditions, delegating with clarity, and creating holidays rooted in presence, boundaries, and love.
If this speaks to you, subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review. For deeper support, join our Marriage Growth Community through the link in the show notes.
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Welcome to Hey Julia Woods Podcast. I'm your host, Julia Woods, founder of Beautiful Outcome, a coaching company focused on helping couples learn to see and understand each other, even in the most difficult conversations. On my podcast, I will share with you the real and raw of the messiness and amazingness of marriage. I'll share with you aspects of my relationship and the couples I coach in a way that you can see yourself and find the tools that you need to build the marriage you long for. Today I am just sitting with the reality of it being December, and it is so busy and it is so crazy. And I think about you and I imagine your life is pretty similar. It's all the things to do, and wishing the days were longer than what they are. And so I thought about what is it that I could share with you that would be most helpful? Like the last thing I want to do is bring you to feel more stress and more heartache about the relationship challenges that you're facing. And what I'd like to do is that by the end of the time that you spend with me in this podcast episode, you feel like a weight has been lifted off of you and you feel excited and ready to connect. There is a powerful story I'm going to share with you today, during this episode, that exactly that is exactly what happened for this client on a coaching call, and it's what I'm hoping is going to happen for you. So let's jump in. It is a crazy time of year. It is meant to be, it is said to be. We sing that it is the most beautiful time of year. And yet, wow, emotionally, it can be really messy. And it's easy to just keep pressing those messy emotions down that this holiday season can trigger, of loss and grief and things not being the way you want them to be, and wishing they could be different than they are, and tired of the same tensions and the same conflicts reoccurring year after year, and often feeling hopeless in this is never gonna change, whether it's with your spouse, whether it's with your in-laws, whether it's with your extended siblings or your siblings, your extended family, whether it's with your parents, whether it's with yourself, whether it's with your children. Wherever you find relationship tension, this holiday season can bring it to the forefront like nothing else. And yet the days are so full that it's it's really challenging to actually face the family drama that can meet us, the unhealed wounds that we carry seem to get extra sensitive. And yet we find ourselves so busy we don't, it's easy to not have time to think. And whatever the tension is, especially if it's outside of your marriage, well, if it is outside of your marriage, and especially if it is inside your marriage, it can really bring extra tension, more tension than normal with your spouse. So what have I done for decades? What am I tempted to do? Um, even with all the growth that I've chosen through the years, it is still very tempting to just grin and bear it, to leave the conflicts unresolved and think, you know, uh once I get through the holidays, then I'll address this. Or find yourself fighting nonstop every day with your spouse and living in the fear of, you know, is this going to be the fight that takes us out? Is are will we even make it to next Christmas? And these options leave us feeling like what is designed to be the best time of the year is the worst time of the year. And if you're with me at all, I want to get right to what is the number one key to turn holiday tension into connection. Well, it's emotional maturity. Being able to express what you feel, think, and need. Now, I may, it may feel like I just dropped a bomb on you because having emotional maturity this time of year, learning to express what you're feeling, thinking, and needing, it might feel absolutely impossible. You know, like how can you grow emotional maturity in the midst of everything else going on? What I want to share with you is I believe it might be easier than you think. And I'm gonna walk you through the steps. Before I walk you through those steps, I want to share with you a story that I believe can give you hope and prepare you to better understand the steps I'm gonna share with you. So it was last Christmas, and it I was, you know, in the midst of coaching, and uh it is a common theme for when I check in with the person I'm coaching or the couple I'm coaching, for them to talk about the very things I've just described in their life, that they are overwhelmed, that they are um feeling the weight of relationship tension in the midst of this busy season. And so this is what happened when I got on the call with this client. I'm gonna change their name just for um confidentiality reasons, but we're just going to say I got on the phone with Sarah. Um, and it was about the first week of December. So we were in the first 10 days, I think, of the year of this December season. And when she described her current reality, she says, I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed out. I just want Christmas to be over. And I just empathize with her. And I want to empathize with you. If that's how you're feeling, it's okay. It's normal. You're not alone. And yet it is a gift because your body is revealing something to you. It is the first thing that you can do. I want you to think about what you would do if your child came to you and said this. Like, I feel overwhelmed. I feel stressed out. I just want Christmas to be over. If they were doing that, if they were saying that, what would you do? What would you do with them? What I imagine is that you would empathize and you would feel what they're expressing to you with their heart. Like your heart would ache. You would feel for them what they're trying to communicate with you, no matter how frustrated or angry their expression and way of expressing it might be, your heart would connect with theirs. And I imagine you'd just pull them up on your lap and you'd put your arms around them and you would say, Can you tell me what you're feeling? Can you tell me more about what you're feeling? And that's what I did with this client, and that's what I'm inviting you to let me do with you today. And what that client expressed was she said, I said to her, can you talk through what you're feeling? Can you actually name the emotions that you're feeling? And what she said is, I feel sad, I feel lonely, and I feel dread. And I held a space for that. And I invited her to not judge or criticize or push away those emotions, but actually let herself feel them, let herself hold a space for herself in the way she would hold a space for her child. And as she did that, as she let herself feel those things, I ask her if she could express to me the thoughts that she was thinking. What was it that were the thoughts connected? Because remember, our emotions are thoughts trapped in the body looking for language. And so as she let herself feel them, the thoughts that were trapped behind the feelings began to expose themselves. And she said, you know, the thoughts that I'm thinking are Christmas sucks. It's painful. I have to do everything. And as I held a space for her to sit with those thoughts and ask her, like, when do you remember beginning to feel this way? Is this just isolated to this Christmas? Or have you felt this way before this year? And she began to recognize that she'd actually loved Christmas, that Christmas what has been her favorite time of year. And I asked her, what changed? And she said, it all of a sudden the dots connected. Like it seems obvious once you say it, but she hadn't connected the dots until someone held a space for her and she held a space for herself. And all of a sudden, the dots connected back to five years prior when she had lost her brother at about this time of year. And it was a tragic passing. It was a really hard passing. And she realized that since that time, it happened at the beginning of Christmas, and she just kind of grinned and bared it. She just like put one foot in front of the other. And that began a history for her of this experience of being overwhelmed, stressed out, and wanting Christmas to be over. She told herself that after Christmas was over, she would give herself to the grieving of the loss of her brother. But she said she actually never did that. She never got to that. And so every Christmas, this pain, this grief was stuck in her body. And she just faced it through busyness. And while Christmas traditions had been special throughout the years prior to her brother passing, all of a sudden they became the task, the burden that she carried that actually was used as a numbing agent. She had had this tradition where all of her family came for a game night and she handmade all the desserts for that night. And she had gotten into elaborate finding a very creative expression in elaborately wrapping the Christmas gifts for her family. And she, you know, she was doing that. And um she um had made this thing where she just really wanted her neighbors. She wanted to be connected to her neighbors and wanted them to feel seen. And so she was buying all these gifts for her neighbors and hand delivering them and connecting with each of her neighbors to see how they were. And the problem is that all of these things had turned into must-do's. As she talked about all the things that she needed to do, she I invited her to notice that all of them, what she was saying before each of them was a have-to. I have to, because I had asked her, like, what are all the things that are weighing you down? What is on your list of things to do? And as she described these things, there was no joy in them. There was no excitement. She actually described them as have-to's. Like, I have to get the kids' gifts wrapped. I have to find time to go connect with the neighbors. I have to find out, figure out what I'm gonna make for these desserts and get the groceries, and then I have to find time to make them. And as I invited her to notice those things, she she was able to see that every in her language, her language was filled with have-to's. Emotional maturity is about shifting from a victim mindset into a responsibility mindset. Anytime that you hear yourself saying you have to do something or you don't have a choice, you know that it is a victim mindset. A victim mindset is got you feeling like you're powerless. Have-to's tell us we don't have a choice. A responsibility mindset is the power to recognize that we have a choice in everything we do. And the moment we give up our power of choice, we sit as a victim, living in the have-tos. And life becomes this mundane drudgery of trying to put one foot in front of the other, getting through our list of have-tos. So as I invited her to look at this and notice that everything was a have-to, she felt frustrated and she's like, you know, I hear what you're saying, but that doesn't change that every one of these still has to get done. And I just said, Sarah, would you be willing to enter an exercise with me? You've set aside this time for this call. Would you be willing to let this call help you create what you long for at Christmas? And she realized she did really want to enjoy Christmas. She really did want to enjoy her family and connect with her family. And yet she felt stuck. So I invited her to take the time with me. And would she go through everything that she just shared she had to do? And would she put it into three categories? One, I really want to do this. Two, I don't really want to do it. I'm telling myself I have to, but I really don't want to do it. So it started with just dividing everything into those two categories. I do really want to do this, or I really don't want to do this. And she took the whole list and divided it into those two categories. And I invited her to realize she had the choice. She could decide what she really wanted to do. And she wasn't forced to do the things she didn't really want to do. And the beauty of being present, the beauty of emotional maturity is that the energy that we feel about the things that we're asking ourselves to do or telling ourselves we have to do, it's actually a helpful indicator. That dread and that drudgery is actually your body trying to help you consider other options. And those things that you really, really want to do, that's your body trying to inform you that this is a gift. It's something, it's a creative expression that is actually something your body needs. And so as we went through the list and divided into those two categories, there were some things that for me, listening, they didn't make sense. It didn't make sense to me what she felt the energy to do and what the energy told her she didn't really want to do. And it doesn't matter if it makes sense to the people outside of you. Emotional maturity is being able to feel what you're feeling and tell the truth about the thoughts that you're thinking and own what you need. And so as she looked at that list, honestly, with truth, she was able to fill the last part of the list. The third part of the list is I choose to do. She chose to take responsibility and make her turn her list into what she was choosing to do. And there was a lot of things that, you know, by the end of us going through that list, she was down on her list of what she was choosing to do. It was down to a responsible amount of things that she felt ready to choose to do. And the things on the list that she didn't want to do that didn't make it to her list of choices, we sat with that and we began to explore options. Like what could she do with the things that she felt were important, but she just knew she didn't, the energy, her body wasn't energized around those things. We got creative. And I asked her, like one of the things that she didn't want to do was to make the five desserts. And I said, Okay, so what are some options? I said, and she began to explore. And she said, Well, I could buy some of the desserts already made. So we talked about that. And she said, you know, and a lot of the people that are coming to the party have asked me many times what they can do to help. And she said, I've actually felt too prideful to ask, actually take them up on the offer. And I'm ready to humble myself and I'm ready to acknowledge that I need help, that I need their help. And I'm going to ask them if they'd be willing to make a dessert. And I already, she said, I already can hear them. I already know they're going to say, yes. Thank you. She said, but what I'm afraid of is that they feel the way I feel already. And that now I'm going to add more to their list. And I just invited her to consider that that's actually living in their backyard, that she's trying to take responsibility for something that's not hers to take. And if they've actually, if they say yes, could she love them enough and trust them to live in emotional responsibility in a way that they can decide if they can say yes or no? And if they say yes, could she trust them to have the emotional responsibility to sort out what that looks like in their life? Maybe they buy the dessert. Maybe they have someone who's asking them what they can do to help take on that task. But emotional maturity for her. Is owning what she needs and trusting others to own what they need. And so she decided she would reach out and see from the people attending if they wanted to do that. And if not, she would buy them from the store. And we went through each thing like that. And the tension that she felt, it was a Christmas miracle for me and her sitting on that call because as she left that call, the tension that she felt coming into the call had lifted. And her voice changed. I could hear her body language changing just through the way she was communicating. And she felt reconnected with herself. And she began to realize that there was a phone call that she had been putting off. That there was something that a family member had done the year that her brother had passed, that she had been carrying that offense. And she realized that she needed to forgive this person and actually make a phone call to them prior to them coming over for the family gathering because she realized that she needed to forgive them. She needed to ask some questions and ask what brought them to respond the way they responded and get curious with them. And she was committed to forgive them before she made that call because the call wasn't about the work of forgiving them. She was committed to do the work before she made the call. And then the call was about reconnecting with them so that when they came for the family gathering, she could connect with them and not be trying to tiptoe around them, which was a lot of what was creating the dread. And that was such a beautiful, beautiful experience to get to walk through that with her and get to have calls with her after Christmas. And I know that she did the forgiveness work. And when she reached out to that family member and held a space for what was going on for them that Christmas, she felt empathy for them. She felt compassion for them. Not because they said anything new, but because she had chosen to do the forgiveness work and actually care about them and get curious about what was going on for them. And when she understood what was going on for them, oh, she her heart melted and she immediately felt reconnected with them. And what happened that Christmas at that family gathering was what she had been longing for and what she needed. And while it wasn't perfect, it wasn't magical, stress would come up for her and she would come back to this exercise. She knew that she experienced a Christmas that she had been missing for over half a decade due to what she didn't realize she was carrying. And so I want to invite you into that. How can you choose emotional maturity today? I want to walk you through some of a deeper aspect of what that looks like. I hope that that and that experience that I've walked you through with that client is helpful for you. And as you turn this inward towards you, I want to invite you to look first and foremost at your language, both your inner and your outer dialogue. What is your body language exposing? Are you dreading Christmas? Are you carrying a weight that you're trying to just push your way through? What are the things that you're saying? Think about the things you've said to your spouse, to your children, to your friends, to those close to you, even in your head. Do you hear the have-tos? Do you hear dread? Do you hear overwhelm? Those are clues that you're in a victim mindset. And a victim mindset blocks us from being present with our emotions. So we can't respond in emotional maturity because we're completely detached from ourself. In a victim mindset, we see ourselves as powerless and we wait for something outside of us to rescue us. Whether that's Christmas getting over or someone magically reading our mind to figure out what it is that we need, a victim mindset calls us to just put one foot in front of the other, trying to please everyone, in hope that somehow we're going to matter to them and they're going to rescue us from this terrible tension and suffering going on inside of us. That doesn't actually happen. What it does is it creates more and more conflicts because we're frustrated with everyone around us, because at the heart of it, we're frustrated with ourselves. So if you want to turn your holiday tension into connection, you need to first connect with yourself. And that might seem like I don't have time for that, right? But you actually can start in really small ways. It can happen while you're driving in your car. When you're taking a walk, when you're brushing your teeth, all you need to do is be willing to ask yourself these three questions. What am I feeling? And start simply with the eight main emotions. What am I feeling? Ask yourself, maybe you can even do it now. As I list these eight main emotions or the seven main painful emotions, would you be willing just to listen and connect with your heart and see what creates a spark? What most resonates with your heart when you hear these most, these eight or seven main emotions, what of these do you most feel? Hurt, sad, lonely, anger, fear, shame, guilt. Could you just write that down? Write down which ones most stick out with you. Then I invite you to ask yourself, what are the thoughts that are connected to those feelings? So if it's anger that you feel, let that anger speak. Remember, emotions are thoughts trapped in the body looking for language. So as you let that anger speak, what are the thoughts that you're thinking? Is it that you have to do everything? That making Christmas special is all up to you? That no one cares about your stress? Whatever that is, would you just take a few minutes, pause the podcast, and write that down? Or come back, notice the counter that you're in in the podcast and come back to this section at some point later today when you can take five minutes or 10 minutes to yourself. And probably you're gonna need to make a request. But would you make a request of your spouse or your children, hey, could you just give me five to 10 minutes? I need to take care of me for a minute. Write down what those thoughts are. And as you sit with those thoughts, would you honestly ask yourself, what is it that I need? If I were caring for myself like I care for others, what is it that I need? And when you think about what you need, you know, it's easy to exaggerate. Like, I just need someone to take care of me. That's not actually gonna happen, and it's not gonna help you. What I need you to get honest about is what is it that you actually need that you have control over? What are some requests that you need to make from family members? Maybe there's some forgiveness that you need to choose to face. Maybe it's someone you don't understand that you're tiptoeing around. Maybe you need to call them and ask them, can you help me understand what's going on for you? And let yourself own what it is that you need. And then ask yourself, how can I ask for that need to be met? Maybe it's dividing your list into three categories, like I walked through with this client. Maybe it's sitting down and asking your family, your closest family that you feel that you're trying to do all these things for, ask them, you know, can I ask you if you what is the most important thing to you this Christmas? What is the one thing of all the things that we normally do that's most important to you? And I know I've done that with my family, and I've been shocked that what I thought was most important wasn't actually most important. And I was able to let go of what wasn't really important to everyone else and let them know that, hey, this Christmas, I'm prioritizing being present. And in doing that, you know, I in being present, I recognize I'm working to feel what I'm feeling. Let myself be honest about what I'm thinking and own what I need. And what I need is a simpler Christmas this year. So these are the things that I feel capable of doing. I know that these are the things that you have all said matter the most. And some of these I'm gonna need you to help me with. And if the things that there are things that you want that aren't on this list of things that I can hold a space for, would you take those things on? Would you make that something that you bring about? And what I can tell you is that the magic that can happen as you invite your family into showing up with you, I have experienced is quite powerful. You know, maybe there's some things that you've said yes to this holiday season because they're just the norm, or you overestimated your capacity. Maybe what you need is the willingness to renegotiate what you said you would do and go back and say, you know what, I need to acknowledge that what matters most to me this Christmas is showing up in love and truth. And the truth is that I could do this, but it's growing resentment in me. And that's not who I want to be. So can we shift the way this is being done? And while I said I could do this, the truth is this is actually what I can do. Would that work for you? And if not, would you be willing to help me explore how we can create something that works for both of us? You know, maybe you're feeling the weight of having to be somewhere. And the tradition is that you're, you have to be there all day because that's how everyone says it's supposed to be. But maybe for you, owning what you need is that you only spend half a day there. That you let them know that, hey, I love you and I know this is the norm. This Christmas, I'm choosing something different. And I want to show up in my best self. And what that means is that I'm gonna come at two o'clock rather than coming at eight o'clock in the morning. And I know that means that's gonna impact you, and I want to be with that. And I also want all of us to have to live in love and truth and choose what we need this Christmas to be our best selves and really love each other well. The holidays can be a beautiful time of love and connection, it just requires emotional maturity, the willingness to tell the truth about what you're feeling, thinking, and needing. And even if that is brand new to you, and it feels like really a lot to consider doing that, one small step can make this a more peaceful Christmas for you than you have had up until now. You can literally start today and you can start creating new results today. If you are tired of the holiday stress, would you be willing to take responsibility for yourself and choose peace? I hope this has been helpful for you. And if you want more support in growing emotional maturity and turning tension into connection, I invite you to join me in my community, marriage growth community, which is spouses just like you, just like me, who are working together to grow their ability to take personal responsibility and create what they want in their life, whether that's Christmas, the Christmas that they want, whether that's the marriage that they want, whether that's the partnership they want, the connection that they want with the people they love. That's what we're working to do together. And if you will click that link down in the show notes, you will find a special offer that is available for you just this one time that you click on that link. And I would love to support you in creating the life that you long for. Merry Christmas! And I hope this is the most special time of the year for you as you take personal responsibility and create that for yourself. Thank you so much. If this podcast has made a difference for you today, if this episode has made a difference, would you be willing to share it with a friend and help them create the Christmas that they long for? I want to talk to you about something super exciting. It's a game changer, really. To have the relationship you long for, you must take responsibility for yourself and who you are being moment by moment. It's not about what your spouse needs to change, it's about you taking control of the only thing you can control, which is you. That's the truth that nobody's talking about when they talk about marriage. But I am inside the marriage growth community, where I will help you take responsibility for your ability to lead conversations with your spouse to love and connection so you can have the marriage you dreamed of when you first fell in love. At the very first link in the show notes, you can grab my marriage growth community, and that's really going to help. I know that because it's based on the same principles I've used to coach this couple and hundreds of other couples to marriage success over the last nine years. So grab marriage growth community at the top of the show notes.