Hey Julia Woods
Join me, Julia Woods, a couples coach and wife of over 3 decades, as I share some of my client's stories and my own so that you can be encouraged, inspired, and gain new results in your marriage.
Hey Julia Woods
The Transformative Power of Self-Care in Marriage
In this episode of Hey Julia Woods, Julia dives deep into the often misunderstood concept of self-care—and how it can radically transform your marriage. Far beyond bubble baths and spa days, authentic self-care is about nurturing your spirit, soul, and body in a way that builds emotional resilience and deepens connection with your spouse.
Julia shares powerful insights from years of coaching couples through disconnection, codependency, and burnout. She unpacks how the lack of self-care leads to resentment, unhealthy patterns, and loneliness in marriage—and how learning to "mother yourself" can create space for healing, intimacy, and sustainable love.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in your relationship, overextended in your role, or unsure how to care for yourself without feeling guilty, this episode is for you. You’ll learn practical ways to recognize emotional depletion, set healthy boundaries, and show up in your marriage from a place of fullness rather than need.
Whether you’re navigating marriage struggles, working on personal growth, or just want to build a stronger emotional foundation, this conversation will equip you with tools to reconnect with yourself—and your partner.
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Welcome to hey, julia Woods podcast. I'm your host, julia Woods, founder of Beautiful Outcome, a coaching company focused on helping couples learn to see and understand each other, even in the most difficult conversations. On my podcast, I will share with you the real and raw of the messiness and amazingness of marriage. I'll share with you aspects of my relationship and the couples I coach in a way that you can see yourself and find the tools that you need to build the marriage you long for. Hey, welcome to today's episode. I am so excited that you are here and I am going to just be real Like I am nervous about today's episode.
Speaker 1:It has been something that's been. It's very real for me right now in my life and, as I was just kind of thinking over what I wanted to share with you, it's been working in me in the last 24 to 48 hours, so I'm excited to see what comes out of this conversation about self-care. It feels in my mind like I keep wrestling with this, trying to rationalize this away as self-care Like this is probably not going to be that exciting of an episode to the listeners and yet it feels so real and so vital to me in what is making a major difference in my marriage and what has been a massive has been a massive underestimated culprit in destroying the marriage that I long for. So as we jump in here, I want to start by just looking at what is it that I mean by self-care, because that has been a big problem for me for many years, in that I had a misinformed definition and I think much of my definition was informed by the world around me, by social media. I somehow had the definition of self-care that it was about, you know, taking myself to get pedicures and manicures and shopping and spa dates, and for me I just wasn't that interested. I didn't feel I had time for those things. And it's not like I have a problem getting a manicure or a pedicure, but it was just like it felt over the top, it felt like not that important to me in my world.
Speaker 1:And what I've come to learn is my definition of self-care was greatly blocking me and for me, what I'm discovering how self-care is is about attending to my heart, looking at my inner world, caring for the heart of who I am. I really believe that we are spirit, soul and body and in those orders and I often get it confused and I put it as body, soul and spirit. And when I put it in the reverse order, when I focus on body, soul and spirit, my life becomes a to-do list. It becomes about achieving, it becomes about how much can I get done to feel like I have value and worth. And when I put it in the order of spirit, soul and body, self-care becomes the most important part of my day, where I really connect with what is going on in me. If I am really a spirit in the world, my spirit is what makes a difference in the world. What's going on inside of me? What is it that I need to attend to and care for within myself? Right, it's mothering myself. It's parenting myself. For me, I didn't grow up with an example of someone who lived self-care or taught me self-care, and you know, if that is you, you might really resonate with what I'm sharing. And if you did grow up with a mother who exemplified self-care, I invite you to look at how are you caring for you? Whether you're a male listening to this or a female listening to this, all of us need a mother for our entire lives and all of us have that feminine and masculine archetype within us, and that feminine archetype within us teaches us to care for the heart of who we are, the heart of.
Speaker 1:What am I thinking? What are the thoughts that I'm thinking? Are my thoughts in the tank, in the trash, or are the things that I'm thinking about myself and the people I love actually filled with love and care? What are the feelings that I'm feeling? Are they in their impaired state or are they in their gift state, right? What is it that I'm hurting about? Am I going to bitterness and resentment with what I'm hurting about, or am I healing the hurts that have happened in my life? Am I in self-pity about the things that are the losses in my life, the things that are grieving me, or am I moving? Am I letting myself grieve and feel those things and moving to acceptance in a way that they're happening for me rather than happening to me, in a way that they're happening for me rather than happening to me?
Speaker 1:It is 100% our responsibility to parent ourself, to get honest about what am I thinking? What am I feeling? What am I doing? Am I doing the things that actually bring life? Am I showing up in conversations with my spouse in a life-giving way, or am I snippy? Am I cold? Am I short, those are important things for me to look at in myself and look at what are my actions revealing and, most importantly, what is it that I need? Importantly, what is it that I need? What do I need to care for myself? What is it that I need to be in relationship?
Speaker 1:As human beings, we are relational creatures. That's what we're created for. It's what makes life matter, it's what makes life meaningful, it's what jumps me out of bed in a healthy way every day and, ultimately, the relationship that I have with myself sets the tone for every other relationship in my life. So if my relationships aren't deep and meaningful and experiencing intimacy, it's revealing that my relationship with myself is lacking. If I feel lonely in my relationships, it's likely because I'm lonely in my relationship with myself and my relationship with God. And if I want deeper intimacy, deeper connection with the people I love, I must enter into self-care. It's revealing that I am not caring for myself. I'm detached from my own feelings and from my own needs. So, as human beings, we are doing one of two things we're abandoning ourself or we're connecting with ourself, and I was far more disconnected to myself than I had any idea. Often, when people ask me what I was feeling. I was like I don't know, I'm just hurt, I'm just angry. I don't like my life right now. Ding, ding, ding. It's a sign that I need self-care.
Speaker 1:So when I am giving myself self-care, when I'm caring about myself, the way that I love is very, very different. When I am abandoning myself, I'm loving out of doing Like. Loving becomes transactional. Right, I'm loving these people and therefore I do these things. Or I don't know if they love me. I'm afraid they don't love me. I'm afraid I'm not worthy or valuable enough for their love. So I'm doing all these things in hopes that they will still love me. Right, it's love becomes transactional. I'm doing it out of my head rather than my heart. This is at the heart of codependency, right, where we try and make the world what we want it to be, so that we can be safe and be loved, and it's all transactional. This is what destroys marriages and, as a couples coach, I hear couple after couple describing this kind of love, because they have no idea that they're detached from themselves. They're living out of do rather than living out of being.
Speaker 1:You know, and this shows up in subtle ways, it's giving to get. It's really evident if you stop and look at your results, if you stop and look at the thoughts, listen to the thoughts that you're thinking, listen to the feelings that you're feeling, listen to the things that you're doing. If you do that and you want to know what will tell you whether you're giving to get. Here are some examples Is you live in what you think your spouse should and shouldn't be doing right? They shouldn't be doing the things that they're doing, or they should be doing things that they aren't doing? That's a sign that we're in giving to get. Maybe you're living in have tos right, like this is just what I have to do to keep my spouse happy, or this is what I have to do to keep my kids happy and this is what they have to do because they're a part of this family or a part of this relationship. You know, maybe it is that you think that you know the best way to do things.
Speaker 1:When we think we know the best way to do things, or the right thing to do, the right way to do things, or that our way is the only way, those are signs that we are living in giving to get and we're detached from ourself. You know, when we think things about our spouse like how could they be so out of touch? You know that they can't see it the way I see it, and if I can just say it another way, then maybe they would come along with my way. Maybe they would see how much better my way is than their way. This is a sign that we're in a transactional relationship and that we're living detached from our heart and our soul and therefore seeing our spouse as an object, as someone who we need to get them to go along, like maybe if we could just direct them better or we could correct their actions, or if we live in a way where we expect that they should read our mind or they should read our mind.
Speaker 1:These are all signs that we are needing self-care, that we are needing self-care, that we are detached from living in a relationship where we are living heart to heart, living an honest, real relationship. You know, maybe we're trying to advise them as to what they should and shouldn't do, to what they should and shouldn't do, or you know that maybe they don't know that they should know what we want and they don't. So this relationship is not worth giving to, or it's just never going to be what I long for it to be. Maybe you're working to try and say things just the right way, that if you could say it, you know they didn't get it the first time. So maybe the problem is that you're just not saying it. If they're not doing what you want them to do, that it must be. It must be your fault, it must be the way, way you're showing up, or that maybe you're just not good enough in order to get them to do what you want them to do. I don't know if any of this is resonating for you.
Speaker 1:These are all thoughts that come in my mind that tell me oh, julia, you're living in codependency. Julia, you're living in codependency. You're living in, you know, blaming your spouse as the problem or thinking you're the problem, right, maybe when I notice that another thing that happens is I tend to start feeling guilty. Well, when I start feeling guilty and I can see that I'm feeling guilty because things aren't going the way I want them to go, or I don't have the relationship that I want, that's when I know I't in alignment with who I'm committed to be. That is healthy guilt. But when I'm feeling guilty because life isn't going the way I want it to go. That's me thinking I'm the problem going the way I want it to go. That's me thinking I'm the problem. That's me thinking I need to be perfect in order for life to go the way I want it to go.
Speaker 1:Other signs that show up for me is that, you know, I get easily hurt. I take things personally. I don't trust that others will show up for me or want to show up for me. Or when I'm feeling like everything is all up to me or I'm afraid my husband is angry at me. These are all signs. Another sign for me is when I'm really busy, and I'm just so busy I don't have time to slow down. I don't have time to do the things that I know care for my spirit and care for my soul. So these I don't know if these connect for you.
Speaker 1:For me, they are my coping strategies. They are the ways that I live out of the painful messages I learned in the first thousand days of my life that I don't matter that I'm too much or that I'm not enough. These are the symptoms that I'm living out of the codependent strategies that I grew up in that I learned really, really well, where I learned to try and read the minds of the people that were caring for me In order to get my needs met. I learned to try and read other people's minds my caregiver's minds and stay three steps ahead of them, hoping that if I could stay three steps ahead of them, I wouldn't get in trouble, they wouldn't be mad at me and that I could get the love that I needed. And it did not work. And what I didn't know is that I didn't know how codependent I was and that codependency attracts codependency.
Speaker 1:My husband and I both grew up in codependent homes. We both grew up learning to speak this language of codependency and developed a system in our marriage where we can easily shift into two people giving to get Two people externalizing our value and worth. Like if I'm worthy, my spouse will do this. If I'm enough, they'll be who I need them to be. And this has caused so much pain in our marriage. It has literally almost destroyed our marriage over and over and over, destroyed our marriage over and over and over. We were trying to be the best so that we could get our needs met, but in reality, what we were doing is building a system to prove that we weren't enough or that our needs didn't matter or that the other spouse wasn't willing to meet our needs. The system that we set up was just working to create more bitterness, more resentment and more loneliness, and what we longed for was connection and intimacy and partnership, but we were going about it the wrong way.
Speaker 1:Without self-care, we cannot get the deepest longings of our heart met, because self-care is where we begin to take full responsibility, where each one of us begins to get aware, live in awareness of what we're up to. And what we're up to exposes itself in our feelings, like am I in self-pity or am I in acceptance? Am I in shame from a place of inadequate identity and feeling like I'm not enough or I'm too much? Or is the shame that I'm feeling taking me to the gift of humility where I can actually ask for what I want and express what I need? That's what self-care does, that's what full responsibility does, where we actually live in the honesty with ourself of what am I feeling with ourself of what am I feeling, what am I thinking, what am I doing and what am I needing.
Speaker 1:Each one of us must take responsibility for that, to be able to come to each other in a healthy way, not expecting the other person to read my mind or trying to control the other person or manipulate the other person to get them to do what I want them to do, but it's actually caring for myself, giving myself the space to feel the messy and wonderful emotions that come every day in life. Actually giving myself the space to grieve the losses that come every day in our lives when things don't go the way we want them to go, when people don't like what we're doing or what we're feeling, and living in the joy that comes in every day by being present, by being honest, by being willing to have the real conversations from a grounded and whole place. When we're grounded, the way we know if we're giving ourselves adequate self-care is we're much more able to respond in a loving way, no matter what someone else does, no matter what they're doing or how they're feeling. When I'm giving myself adequate self-care, I have an ability to respond in loving ways. I have an ability to respond in anger in healthy ways, because I can see when injustice is happening. I can see when my husband is making what I'm doing about him and when he's responding from feeling fearing he's not enough, when he's inadequate identity and he's trying to make me the problem. When I'm giving myself adequate self-care, I can set healthy boundaries. I can own like, hey, I can see that something's going on for you, that you're coming from a wounded place, I love you. And I'm going to step out of this conversation and ask that, when you're able to share with me what you actually need and what you're feeling in a healthy way, I am here for that conversation.
Speaker 1:When I'm living in self-care, when I'm giving myself adequate self-care, I can hold my boundaries and I can know when I need to detach. When I'm showing up in a wounded place, when I'm showing up, in my sense, my fear of inadequacy, I can catch that very quickly and I can detach. I can say, hey, I need to care for me, I love you. I'm getting too wrapped up in what you're doing or not doing. I need to get regrounded again. I can know when it's time to leave. Right, there are times where I need to leave a relationship because I the other person is not able to show up in health with me, they're not able to care or love for themselves in a way that they can show up loving with me. So sometimes a relationship needs to come to a healthy end or a healthy pause, and we each get to do the work to see if we can find our way back to being able to live in a healthy way with each other.
Speaker 1:And when I'm in healthy self-care, I can be present with the ones I love in their suffering and I don't need to fix their suffering. I can show up and I can see their pain. This is a big deal for me with my kids especially man. I don't like seeing my kids in pain and when I'm offering myself adequate self-care, I can see their pain as a gift. I can see that God wants to use the suffering in their life to grow them and to mature them. And when I'm not giving myself adequate self-care, man, I want to get in there and fix it. I want to tell them what they should do. I want to tell them what they shouldn't do. I want to give them all the books and all the podcasts because I want to fix their suffering, because I'm not in a healthy enough place to see that suffering brings grief and grief is our greatest, greatest resource to finding joy and to calling ourself to the growth that life calls us to. Self-care is putting my oxygen mask on first, so that I can offer authentic, honest care and support to others.
Speaker 1:And this is the journey of my life, and I have learned a lot this year, as I have done some deep, deep grieving of my early life and deep grieving in my marriage of what wasn't the way I wanted it to be, where I was tolerating and where I was blinding myself through busyness to what wasn't working for me. And so I am learning self-care. I am learning to daily grieve. I'm learning to do the things that I need to do. Some of those things are like learning to be kind and loving to myself. I have been really hard on myself through my life and counselor after counselor, coach after coach, told me you're really hard on yourself. My friends told me I was hard on myself and recently I've been taking that a lot more serious and seeing that when I'm hard on myself, I'm being the old. I'm letting those toxic voices from the parents I had as children, as a child, be the voices at which I parent myself. And so I'm learning that for me, when I'm starting to be hard on myself, I need some self-care. I need to get back to the loving parent, lovingly parenting myself. I'm learning the real truth about the human growth process, like. One of the reasons I'm really can be really hard on myself is that I'm out.
Speaker 1:I get to the point where I'm out of touch with how growth is actually happens, like I should know this already, right, that's, that's the message of shame I should have already mastered. I should have already mastered. This is one of the ways an acronym for shame or I should, should have already mastered everything. That's when I'm out of touch and I'm in the toxic version of shame, where I'm beating myself because I recognize I need to learn self-care in better ways and like because I don't know self-care, I'm like beating myself for it. So the toxic definition of shame is that should have already mastered everything.
Speaker 1:And the beauty of shame is the humility that lives in the honest reality of how growth actually happens. It is three steps forward, two steps back. It is one step forward, two steps back. It is the honest showing up every day, giving myself the love and care that says okay, what worked about what I was wanting to grow in myself today and what didn't work in the area of growth I'm cultivating, and what's wanted and needed tomorrow. That's a loving parent. That's the self-care that actually brings me to continued humility. When I miss it, when I make a mistake, I don't look at it as a mistake. When I'm in healthy shame, I look at it as a gift of learning. Oh great, now I know that doesn't work. Okay, great. What do I want to do differently tomorrow?
Speaker 1:Self-care is growing community where I can get honest support and honest feedback about what I'm not seeing, because, as humans, we are the best deceivers of ourself and I need community around me, from my husband to my children, to my close friends, to coaches, to counselors who can help me see where I am missing it, where I am maybe being too hard on myself, where maybe I am expecting too much in my marriage or not communicating my needs in a way that another human being can connect with. And that community is vital, having honest voices, people who love me enough to say look this, this isn't, this isn't seem healthy, what you're choosing and what is bringing you to choose what you're choosing or when I'm spiraling? What is bringing you to choose what you're choosing or when I'm spiraling? And I am in, you know, giving to get to be able to reach out, like when I'm like man. My husband's definitely the problem and I have people in my circle that I can reach out to and say, hey, can you help me see what I can't see, because I know my husband's not the problem. I know that what's happening right now is a gift for my growth and I can't seem to see it. Can you help me?
Speaker 1:Another big thing for me in self-care is learning to take space for myself. I'm an extrovert. I love being around other people, but around other people it's easier for me to hear what's going on for them than to be honest about what's going on for me. So I'm learning that I need a lot more quiet space than is comfortable for me. I need to do things that are creative. I need to put puzzles together. I need to put puzzles together. Puzzles are one of my best sources of learning and hearing my thoughts, hearing my feelings, considering what I'm doing and listening to what I need. I'm learning to watercolor, make sourdough bread. Do these things that actually really help me slow down and be with myself and listen, because what's comfortable for me is go, go, go, go, go. What's uncomfortable for me is slow down and listen.
Speaker 1:Take the time, like a mother calling their child up on their lap just because they want to love on them, just because they want to hear what's going on for them. That's the mother I'm working to become to myself, and the more I become that mother to myself, the more that's the way I show up with the people I love. That feminine archetype comes out of me to other people in a loving, gentle, kind, non-agenda type way when I'm mothering myself that way. And another way is caring for my body. Mothering myself that way and another way is caring for my body. Like caring for my body, like actually making appointments to go to the dentist, actually making appointments to go to get the support that I need, actually taking my vitamins.
Speaker 1:That's a big way that I know whether I'm living in self-care and living in the nurturing mother with myself that I want to be or not. You know, when I'm not being that way, I oh, hey, I forgot to take my vitamins, or hey, I'm too tired to take my meds before I go to bed or whatever it is, or too tired to wash my face, right. Those are, those are simple ways that I know. And the more I show up in self-care with myself, the more peaceful I am, the more present I am, no matter what's going on, the more I show up as the spouse I want to be and actually do the things that grow the marriage I long to have. And when I'm spinning out, I can see it. I can see it. I start wondering, if you know, I start thinking my spouse isn't showing up in the way I want him to show up and life starts feeling like a burden and I start getting short in life. I start feeling more irritated, I start living in a lot more fear. Those are all signs to me that I need more self-care.
Speaker 1:So I would love to hear in the comment section, what are you taking out of this? Is this valuable for you, and what is it that stood out to you in this conversation? And if you recognize that you want to work on the relationship with yourself so that you can grow the marriage that you long for. That's what I love helping couples do, and I have lots of resources that can help you long for. That's what I love helping couples do, and I have lots of resources that can help you do that. First and foremost, the quickest option is my community, my marriage growth community. And the second best option it might take a little bit before the next one is coming, but my breakthrough couples retreats. Those are the two things that I love doing and are growing out of self-care and walking with others to grow self-care in themselves. So thank you so much for joining me for this podcast. I'd love to hear what you're taking away. Please share in the comments below or send me an email at hello at beautiful outcome dot com. Thanks so much.