Hey Julia Woods
Join me, Julia Woods, a couples coach and wife of over 3 decades, as I share some of my client's stories and my own so that you can be encouraged, inspired, and gain new results in your marriage.
Hey Julia Woods
I’m Out! I Can’t Deal With This!!
What turns a failing marriage around? This couple went from constant conflict and near-divorce to 75% fewer arguments and a renewed connection—not through better communication, but by taking full responsibility for their own patterns.
He uncovered the fear behind his anger. She faced how her independence blocked intimacy. The shift came when they stopped straddling the line and fully committed.
Now, daily life looks radically different—more love, less tension, and quick conflict resolution. If you're ready for real change, this episode offers hope and a path forward. Subscribe now to join Julia’s community of growth-minded couples.
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Welcome to hey Julia Woods podcast. I'm your host, julia Woods, founder of Beautiful Outcome, a coaching company focused on helping couples learn to see and understand each other, even in the most difficult conversations. On my podcast, I will share with you the real and raw of the messiness and amazingness of marriage. I'll share with you aspects of my relationship and the couples I coach in a way that you can see yourself and find the tools that you need to build the marriage you long for. Welcome to another episode of hey Julia Woods.
Speaker 1:Today I am excited to connect with a couple I've been working with for a while and it is Chris and Laura out of California. They've been together for 10 years and have a four-year-old and a nine-year-old daughter and they are very busy. Just like all of you, they are very busy. Laura owns her own business and Chris is in sales and we connected. I don't know. I think it's been four years ago and you have come. We've worked through some coaching and you have come to Breakthrough two years and I am so grateful that the two of you agreed to come and share a bit of your story, and thank you for being here.
Speaker 2:Thanks for having us Excited to get into it.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes. So you guys shared a really shocking result that I am one so excited that you have this result, because there were multiple times that we were like, wait, I don't know if this is going to work. And here you are, say sharing that you have decreased your arguments by 75%. That is nutso and really powerful results. So I'd love for both of you, in your own words, to really share like what was that? Like Like 75% reducing of arguments? Like on a day to day basis, were you spending more time arguing than not, I imagine, but what was it like for both of you?
Speaker 2:more time arguing than not, I imagine, but what was it like for both of you? Yes, so 75% is a huge number because we were fighting a lot, so we had a lot to decrease by. That was you know what three or four years ago, Just, you know, our whole dynamic was just fighting a lot. Uh, at that point, really living as almost like roommates and everything was tense. Uh, and so, you know three, we came to Julia and did coaching for 12 months, which was amazing and transformational, and then we've been to breakthrough twice. And so since then, since those you know, three or four years ago, I thought about it and I was like, wow, we, we still argue, of course, here and there, but I, if I had to put a number to it, I would say by 75%, for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, chris, what was it like for you when life was uh so pre-breakthrough, pre-coaching. What was it like in the day-to-day relationship?
Speaker 3:so I I don't know if I'd actually call it even a roommate, um, maybe a cellmate more than a roommate. I mean, we'll be honest, uh, it was. It was very, very challenging, I think, when Laura approached me with you or this idea of you, um, to be honest, I think I was actually trying to write it through my head today. It was kind of like we were at that little point where your tooth is about to fall off and that little piece of skin is left and you're about to lose it. That's where we probably were, um, and even that initial phone call. I think my whole purpose was to try and debunk you and say, okay, yeah, this is never going to work because we've gone through multiple different therapy or, um, therapists and you name it um.
Speaker 3:But there were two very, very important or very things that stuck out in our initial conversation that I had been screaming in my head for a very long time. The first one was that love is a choice, and the other one was there's no such thing as love at first sight. You make these choices for these people, regardless of where you come from, or however it was. And when you said that I was like, okay, she doesn't believe in the fantasy. Like the fantasy is real or you can achieve it, but there's work in it and as long as we're there, then I have it. There's a, there's a fighting chance, um, and so, through coaching, um, I dove in, took a little bit, but I dove in, um, and I will probably say I was a week behind by the time I was actually getting to where I needed to be, because I was trying to get to work in the night before usually, but that whole previous week was doing the work and then breakthrough, uh, that first one, um, I'll say that was probably the most impactful.
Speaker 3:Uh, that was the first time I actually sat in and I met you, and I met the real you and I met the real me and that everything I'm screaming about and fighting about and making excuses about was actually just me. And so when that all happened, that was, I think, the very first real, I want to say, transformation where it started, and I took that first one and I ran with it and that's where a lot of that helped.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So we're talking about how, where you've gotten, and for so many listeners it's really hard for them to resonate with that because that's not where they're at, they're in the grind, they're in the cellmate phase. So can you just articulate in your own words, like, what are some of the things that you thought? What are some of the things that you felt what actually brought you to reach out? Like, was there an argument that where you're just like, okay, we're on that last string and that this marriage is, this relationship is going to fall apart, or we're going to try this one last thing or what? Just share some of those things in context.
Speaker 2:If you could speak from yourselves four years back. What was it like? Yeah, so I, we again, we had tried therapists. Um, it helped like a little bit, but not really. Um, I think every time we do therapy for whatever five, six months and then we'd be like well, okay, we're going to stop and that one didn't really work. You know what I mean. And okay, we kind of got better, but not really. And I mean, I think for listeners to hear this is like there, how many times was I going to leave, like a lot of times, once a week.
Speaker 2:And I think, and I think it's good to share that because you know, that's where we were and that's where I was at, where it was like my headspace was just like it got a little better, and then I was going to leave, and then it got a little better and or like it was kind of okay, and then I would leave.
Speaker 2:I'd want to leave, you know. And so I just I battled with that for years because we just couldn't get our communication down. You know, our fighting was just a lot to the point where I just thought, okay, this is just, I guess we're just not compatible. I don't, I don't understand how to be compatible with him, like I don't, I'm trying, but you know, we just kept fighting and fighting. And so I actually had a friend that had had gone to Julia and I kind of like researched you and kind of looked into it. I was like, well, this is different than going to therapy. So you know, I feel like we were at our last straw there. And you know, I said I brought it to Chris, like hey, this is different, it's not like going to just talk therapy, you really dig in, you work on yourself, like let's give it a shot and do a call with her, and so that's where I was at.
Speaker 3:What about you, chris? Um, yeah, I mean like to put it, I think I might've hit it, but to put it in perspective that I would say, if that call didn't happen, I was probably walking out the door within the next week like, um, I had, I think, exhausted everything that I felt I had. I had blamed her for absolutely everything. She, I could possibly blame her for. There's nothing else to blame her for, um, and so it was kind of a lot.
Speaker 3:But what I know about myself is I will never quit and I will never put on my. I didn't want to quit, I didn't want to put on my family. So if there was, if there was anything left anywhere inside of me that gave me a chance, I would, I would step into it. I've tried to figure it out. Um, couples therapy, I mean cons, conflict resolution. I usually ended up being the bad guy in couples therapy because as soon as it would turn South, I would do me, and then the therapist would jump on her side. It was like, okay, well, I'm not getting anything done here, um, and so it felt like we were just spinning in circles and we're never going to go anywhere, and maybe everything she's saying is true. However, inside of my head, I don't know if I really believe that yet. So let's fight as long as we can, and so, yeah, I think right before that call I was probably within the week I would have been gone. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's it has. I remember when we were in the beginning like I felt both of your suffering, and I think you both speak to the difference between and it. One of the things that I often hear when couples come to me who have gone through a lot of therapy is they're like the therapist tends to take a side, and that is the beautiful thing that I have discovered about marriage is it's really both people are contributing. It's a system that you've built that's working for both of you to get the results that you want, which sounds crazy, because why would you want to be living like roommates or cellmates or fighting, you know, most of the time, all the days, like no one thinks you want that.
Speaker 1:However, when you really begin to look at it, it's what's familiar For most couples. When their relationship is to that level, they're simply repeating their past, and it is what you learned growing up as kids is this is how you function in a relationship, and so I'd love for you guys to share some of what you discovered about yourself. What were some of the strategies that you were using that you were familiar and comfortable with? That seemed a hundred percent normal to you Like. That didn't even seem like a survival strategy. It just seemed. This is how you do life, this is how you do relationship that you began to discover were actually blocking you and contributing to what you didn't want contributing to what you didn't want.
Speaker 3:Mine's easy, mine's very easy. It was anger and rage. That was the I say that was my breakthrough. And that was sitting in in in that barn and having you call me out on it was that. That was my existence, that's what I knew, that's how I handled life, that's how my parents handled life. And as I've gone through this, this growth journey, at one point I wanted to blame them for it, as I've also understood that they were doing the best that they could. It wasn't their fault either. And there are lots of different ways that I could have gone best that they could. It wasn't their fault either. And there are lots of different ways that I could have gone through that process differently.
Speaker 3:Um and so, but that was my go-to, that was my easy out was I could bulldog, I could bully my way through anything because it kept me safe for so long. Um, and then that moment, sitting there listening to Justin and having you call me out in that moment and say you have something now, it's time for you to talk now. And I had to stand up and I had to address that. And I remember sitting there saying there's no way I want to be in rage. Why would I ever want to be in rage? And you said it's your control. As soon as you said that that was the my turning point, I need to go call. I called a therapist as soon as you said that that was the my turning point, I need to go call. I called a therapist as soon as we got back and I went because I wanted to understand what it was.
Speaker 3:Why. Why am I here? Um, and it was always a negative, it was always a bad, it was always something wrong with me. You never allowed that to happen. You, you never said it was broken, you never said there was anything wrong with me. It was like how do you show up differently in it? And when we got down into the grit of what that rage was, it was easier for me to handle it. And, mind you, I still got a long way to go. I'm breaking, as they say, that generational growth. I'm breaking, as they say, that generational growth. Uh, I'm breaking those things.
Speaker 3:But I found out that that rage is fear and protection, and the anger is my passion, and when you take those away from me, I almost become non-existent. But how do I now not control them? But how do I now use them as an advantage rather than a disadvantage? It's the hardest thing I think I've ever done. I'm still in there before it. I think that's my biggest transformation so far and that is also the thing that has allowed me to not look at Laura as an enemy or as my biggest, my biggest, like competitor. But when I get into this, what is happening right now. Why do I feel this way? It's usually something that happened to me and I can look at her and go okay, it's not you, and I can see her as beautiful as she is, as opposed to oh gosh, here we go again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so let's look a little deeper at that. So you described the anger and fear Basically. They have an impaired state and a gift state. The impaired state of anger is repression and depression, and you were pretty repressed when we first started working together in certain ways. And but the gift of anger is your passion, which you absolutely need and it's a huge part of what's made you successful in life is that passion. And then you have fear, and the impaired state of fear is anxiety and control and rage. And the gift of fear is the help and the wisdom and the faith that something new can emerge.
Speaker 1:And so what I hear you saying is that when you weren't letting yourself feel, you didn't want to feel I remember us working a lot through like will you let yourself feel it? So when we don't want to feel the anger or the fear, then it sits in its impaired state and it, if it's in, when the fear is involved, it will burst out into rage. And so one of the things I heard you saying a few minutes ago is that as long as you see Laura as the enemy or the one you're competing with, then that triggers a lot of fear and a lot of anger, and if you're not willing to feel that or be present with it, then it comes lashing out and she's the one that you're wanting to attack. Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 3:Pretty, yeah, pretty close.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what would you say?
Speaker 3:The only. I only say pretty close, because I think that, um, as much as that is very accurate. I think that it was some of the actions that caused it, and so I'm trying not to say it was just Laura. It was some of the actions that were taking place within it, like, like she said, she was walking out the door once a week, and so that's just the idea of the fear of it, the instability of that relationship. All of those things actually created it. No, I allowed that to be created, but those were, so I didn't want to put all but it's the system of it, it's the system.
Speaker 1:Right, that's what we do. We attract someone who can trigger the very things that then give us permission to live in our terror and live in our rage. And it's what you actually want. That's why the relationship keeps going the way it's going, because it's working to create, recreate what you're familiar with. It's working to give you permission to be the version of yourself. You know you don't want to be, but it's what triggers the other person to to do what they're doing. And this is why it works until you decide it doesn't work.
Speaker 1:And you know, often, you know I don't know that this was you guys' story, but often I have couples who come to me who've left each other three and four times because they kept saying I'm done, I'm leaving, but then they're drawn back to repeat the same thing until they begin to really unravel their part in the system. Because we can say well, it's cause and effect. If they wouldn't do these things, then I wouldn't do these things right. If she wouldn't threaten to leave, then I wouldn't be terrified. But the truth is we actually set up the system because we want them to threaten to leave, so that we can go back to being terrified, because that's what makes us feel normal, feel comfortable, feel familiar, and so all we can do is take care of our part. And when we stop our part of the system, the system falls apart, and that's the beauty of what begins to create very new results, like you guys have gotten. So, laura, what about you? What would you say has really shifted for you in creating such significant results?
Speaker 2:was great, um, but there was a big shift in there where, you know, you asked me or you kind of said basically, you know, I think you might love your want to love yourself more than you want to love a man, because I was stuck in this um, I guess you could say a fantasy of like what I thought, who I thought I was going to marry, how they were going to treat me, what it was supposed to be like, and just like that.
Speaker 2:It was going to be like that. And if it wasn't like that, then like I don't want it and um, I'm trying to to make it like this and have it all lovey-dovey all the time and all this and it's not happening. Um, and you know he's angry or stuck in his rage, and I'm trying, and so what I would end up doing is I just kept shutting down. So my biggest thing was like retreating. I've always been a very independent person. I'm comfortable being alone, and so that was my comfort zone, like, okay, you're going to be like that, I'm going to create a big wall and again, I, didn't know I was really doing this until I looked deep into this.
Speaker 2:But I'm going to create a big wall and I'm not. I'm just going to be alone and not connect with you, because I can't connect with you and you're fighting all the time and we're fighting all the time. And so after you kind of said that to me, it took me some time to really think about that and I was like, okay, do I just want to be alone? You know, and is that what I'm really what I'm seeking, or am I seeking a partnership and friendship? You know, and, and is that what I'm really what I'm seeking, or am I seeking a partnership and friendship? You know, and, and I worked through that and I realized like, yes, of course I love my alone time, I think I'm always going to love alone time, but I am seeking a partnership and I am seeking a friendship and I want us to be a family unit. And so, making that choice, really stepping over the line, shall we say, and going, okay, that's what I want, okay, what is my part in this? Um, you know, I think, stopping the I'm going to leave, I'm going to leave, kind of thing, and stepping into to Chris versus stepping away from him.
Speaker 2:So which is hard to do, right when you're in like conflict of being like, okay, I'm going to step into this moment rather than retreat, because that's what's comfortable for me, and it's comfortable for me to just ignore him, or just kind of um, how do you say, kind of ghost him out, um, and so that's kind of what I started doing is like stepping in, like and saying, okay, what's going on here? You know I understand you're upset. Is there something I said on this? How can we solve this issue? And it's taken a lot of time and work. But you know we have those conversations now and they're getting shorter and shorter. So when conflict does arise, you know we are able to talk through it and sometimes it takes a little longer, sometimes it might get a little heated and then it kind of goes down. But we end up, honestly, there really has and I don't think in the last I don't know year or so that something like we haven't been able to resolve.
Speaker 3:Wow, wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, laura, if I can Go a little deeper on that, because that was a big, that was a big shift for you. Like you, I think a lot of women would resonate with you in the regards to I think it's a common theme in today's culture of like I don't, do I really need a man, do I really need this? Is it just holding me back? And we worked on that for a while and there was something that happened for you at Breakthrough where I just I said it just as bluntly as I could, and I remember that. I remember both those interventions with both of you. All three of us had tears in our eyes. I had tears in my eyes each time I was talking to both of you and you were very brave to be as honest as you were.
Speaker 1:But you know, laura, you've been very successful. You love traveling, you love going and you really wrestled with you know. I just don't know if this thing called marriage is really all that it's up to, or this committed relationship is really all that people say it's cracked up to be. So what? What shifted for you? I get, I heard you say a few minutes ago that you just really ask yourself the question but is there any other aspects of that Cause? That was a deep wrestle for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think I think it's always going to be something inside of me. You know, like I do love travel, I do love alone time, Um, and it was probably like gosh, probably after the retreat, it was probably like four, three to five months of kind of like really wrestling with that and I felt so weird because I was like, oh, none of these other women at this retreat are talking like this, like their issues aren't this you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like I feel like I'm selfish or or whatever for feeling this way or feeling like I can just you know, I don't, I don't need a man, I can just be on my own, you know, and so it was. It was hard for me definitely to step into that, but I feel like when I accepted the parts of that, that, I was like I am like this and that's okay, but can I also be like this in a partnership, in a relationship? So I have, you know, someone that's there for me. And I think I started looking at like long-term, like I know this sounds weird, but like end of life, like when I'm getting older, like do I want someone there? And especially, you know, the kids come into play, you know, having that family structure, having that family unit that's together, and I know you know we've talked about this like you don't stay in it just for the kids, like you know.
Speaker 2:But that was came into play and thinking about those things like in the end, do I want to be old and alone with no one around? Like, and so a big also part of that is Chris. Chris was changing along with me and so when I started seeing some of the things that were changing with him. It helped it even more like, oh, okay, I can see I want to be in this partnership. I can see I want this working. I can see that long-term, he's going to be there for me. He's going to be there for me and, um, you know, something like talking to him about some of my dreams of still doing things like you know, traveling more and going on a solo trip, you know, and and him saying like, okay, that's okay.
Speaker 2:If that's what you want to do, like, go, do that for you know, a couple of days or whatever it is, you know, um, I think, incorporating that into our relationship. So I still have those things that I want for myself too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that that's an important distinction is that you really thought it kind of was either or right, I can have the family, or I can have my free individual life right, and you began to merge the possibilities that they can coexist. They don't, it doesn't have to be one or the other. And I think we live in a world where the individual life right, and you began to merge the possibilities that they can coexist. They don't, it doesn't have to be one or the other. And I think we live in a world where the typical needs of why marriage often existed generations before us they don't exist anymore. Right? We, a man and a woman, needed each other to survive from a physical standpoint, and we live in a world where that isn't the current reality.
Speaker 1:But I just recorded a YouTube episode on this very topic where why I believe marriage is actually absolutely far more vital than it ever has been in the past, because we live in a world that is so much more selfish and so much more narcissistic than it ever has been that a marriage is the greatest resource to learn selflessness, and if we don't develop selflessness, we develop a very meaningless life. I think it's a beautiful wrestle that many people are going to need to wrestle with and to think more deeply about what marriage might be about if it isn't about all the things that you know. The arguments say we don't need it anymore because of these. Would you be willing to argue the other side of the case just as hard, like what if I need it more now than it's ever been needed, and why might that be? And I'm really appreciate that you wrestled with that because I know it was. It was deep for you to wrestle with that.
Speaker 2:And honestly, I remember that, but that was one of the key words you said. You said I think you selfishly want to love yourself, and that was a key word selfishly that I kept going back to like, wow is this? Is this a selfish thing of me? You know? And and you mentioned, like you know, you need to make a choice. You need to like, decide for your daughters, and that was another key thing too. It's like here I am just straggling along, but they are too right, I'm not making a choice and they're having to go through it too, because of me not making a choice.
Speaker 2:Yeah Right, I'm not making a choice, and they're having to go through it too because of me not making a choice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, because I would challenge the two of you often that you've got one foot in and one foot out, like, go one way or the other for the sake of the girls, go one way or the other for the sake of loving this person that you love, regardless of whether you know if you want to be in the relationship or not. Would you let yourself decide it? Marriage is a choice, relationship is a love is a choice, and you you need to decide. Am I willing to? Am I loving this person by stride, by, uh, what's it called straddling the fence? Um, and it's. It's really not. Not choosing is is very painful for both people and I know, for obviously in you guys' relationship, it was a catalyst for a lot of what was triggering, right, like you guys couldn't decide are we in, are we out? So, chris, you kept getting your abandonment wounds triggered and Laura, you kept getting triggered with see. I can't live with him, like see, like this is who he becomes, and it was a system that kept allowing both of you to straddle the fence.
Speaker 2:So it's funny. I want to add in what there was, an argument like last week and typically that would have been an argument, like you know, four years ago where I'd be like I'm out, this, I can't deal with this, you know, and I felt those like those, the starts of those feelings, those feelings, those feelings I don't say that anymore, but that feeling started to come up and then, because I feel like I've, I've made the step you know what I mean For like both feet in it's like well, this is where you're at, so we're going to have to work on it.
Speaker 1:We're going to have to do something because we're in. Yeah, you know, and I think that was a struggle where it's like, when I had one foot in, one foot out, I always could back out. Right, it's easier to not have the argument to stonewall, to run away when you've got one foot in, one foot out, yeah, but when both feet are in, it's like, well, we're either going to live with this conflict and this tension between us and it's just going to fester and get worse and worse, or we're going to address it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but that also that, to capitalize on what Laura just said, that's one of the, I think, the biggest changes in the reason why we have such a reduction in the fight is because what I learned about myself is I am going to be me. As much as I try and change this, I I am going to be me. As much as I try and change this, I'm still going to be me. Um, and in most cases that I have worked through and I can catch before I explode or I go into this other little dimension I tend to have is I can go there, but if, as long as Laura doesn't run or she says, okay, let's pause this or we move it into a different direction. It's not necessarily that she stays calm or she doesn't start to battle back, but if she can just somehow drop it to where it's allowing me to just get it out whatever needs to come out at that moment, within probably two to three minutes, where I don't feel that fear anymore in that conversation, it all stops. I just go straight down, all the rage, everything just drops, and then we can have a conversation.
Speaker 3:But initially that first scare is I go straight up to the top, I'm extreme, and then it's like oh, she's okay, we're good, we're not going anywhere.
Speaker 3:Okay, let's drop back and let's figure out what the situation is, and then we can go through that conversation. But before it's just like I'm out, we're all going to fight, I'm going to be right, we're going to be right, and then we go our separate ways. But that's probably been the biggest thing, and why we don't really have arguments where we can work through so many different situations is because I'm already conscious that I need to drop this thing down, but that fear level is still sitting pretty high and as soon as she somehow disarms that and I still haven't figured out yet what it is, but as soon as it gets disarmed, it goes away from me. The fear goes away, and then I can sit here and talk to you. I can figure out what you want to hear. There's a fenciness goes out the door, out the window. All of that goes away. And now, okay, let's find out what the problem is, let's figure out what the solution is, so we can get through this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And it's powerful because one of the one of the big distinctions that I'm passionate about is we are a hundred percent responsible for us. Right, we can't. We can easily say, well, if you would stop doing this then I wouldn't do this, but then we are victims to our partner and whether they're going to do that or not, do that.
Speaker 1:And so what I hear in what you're saying, chris, is, while there is 100% responsibility for what we're doing, regardless of whether Laura would help disarm you or not you are 100% responsible and, at the same time, we really can be a resource to each other. We really can. At the same time, we really can be a resource to each other. We really can learn and empathize with each other's triggers. Right, to understand that there's an abandonment wound, to understand that there is a you know, there's been a lot of value. You've gotten out of independence, laura Like, when you can begin to empathize and understand each other, you actually can help each other. When you are triggered, you know and it doesn't mean that it gets into codependency when you're like okay, I have to do this, otherwise they're going to escalate, or I have to do this, or they're going to threaten to leave. It's no, we're committed and I'm taking 100% responsibility for me, and I also know that when we get here, this is something that helps us not go where we don't want to go.
Speaker 3:Right yeah.
Speaker 1:So powerful I'm so. So I'm just so glad for the two of you that you have done the work and you're still doing the work, and you know you still are going to continue doing the work, because love that is what love is is it calls us to step up to the best version of ourself and keep offering ourself to the uncomfortable in order to love well, and that's the beauty of what makes us the best version of ourselves. So, what would the two of you say as we wrap it up? Like? What, would you say, is like the biggest difference? If you can go back and let's see, we're in 2025. So let's go back to 2020, 2021 versus 2025. What would you say is like for you the biggest day-to-day difference of like what you were experiencing then versus what, these shifts of making a choice and taking responsibility for your emotions. What would you say is the biggest difference for you guys in a day-to-day basis?
Speaker 2:I would say, um, I mean before our day to day was I? I wasn't like scared to talk to him or whatever, but just kind of like well, here comes or something's happening, oh my God. Like that was literally our, our day to day. It was like, you know, he'd come into the office and it would be like a high buy, whatever. And then, you know, I knew there was going to be like grumpiness in the morning or fight at some point that day, and you know, it was just, it was really hard. It was really hard and the transition you know. Now, you know, do we both still have aspects of those little things? Of course, because this is who we are, we're human, but you know, there's been just a lot of transition. Like now, chris actually changed his whole schedule.
Speaker 2:So, he actually goes to the gym really early in the morning, so by the time he comes home he's usually in a good mood, not like, not grumpy. He makes the kids breakfast, which has done a world of a change, you know, than it was before. And one thing I have been asking him for I was like one thing I've been asking for.
Speaker 2:I'm going to say like eight, eight years, not eight years.
Speaker 2:I said, you know, one of my love languages is gifts, not, like you know, like a purse or gifts like that, but like I just love like a note or something like that is something that just really is big for me, or whatever.
Speaker 2:So in the last few months, um, every morning when I get to my desk there's a note, oh, that Chris writes to me, and I mean so, to go from a transition of like barely wanting to see each other to like just like a nod or a high, and then blow ups every morning, to now we have, you know, he goes to the gym, he comes back, he's in a good mood, he's cooking breakfast for the girls. To the gym. He comes back, he's in a good mood, he's cooking breakfast for the girls. Um, I'm, I'm in a good mood now because there's not attention there and, um, and the notes you know, in the morning, and I feel like, just, even when we do get in conflict, it's like met with like understanding of where the other person's coming from, so that we can, it can go smoothly. So I mean, the days are very, very different now.
Speaker 1:Yeah. How would you describe it, Chris, from your perspective?
Speaker 3:Um, so I guess pre I could say it was very numb. Um, I played the victim very well, was very good at it, actually extremely good at it. I blamed and judged and criticized for absolutely everything that happened Since then. I will say that the goal is to eliminate excuses. What I mean by that is, when you see issues, what are you doing to cause those issues and can you fix those issues on your own? Fix the excuse. The other side of that is, instead of blaming, forgive. So I started to forgive myself first for everything that I have done prior or previous, to forgive myself, which makes it easier to forgive Laura, which is not a whole lot of things that she's doing wrong, but I can forgive when things do happen, which is very, which is awesome. Um, and then the other side of that she's kind of talked about. It was when you eliminate the excuse you tend to find.
Speaker 3:So what I realized was my opportunity was we struggle in the morning. That's like our biggest excuse. Kids are crazy, world's crazy. We got 20 minutes to get the kids out the door and it was pure chaos in that timeframe. But I also realized that through that process, if I get up early and I go and I start to move early. I stop body moving early. That tends to go away. So I went to it was a men's conference, men's retreat. We got up really early, started this thing.
Speaker 3:I came home and changed my entire life. So, instead of being a night owl, I'm up at 430 every morning, I'm at the gym at five, I'm home by 630. Cook everything, get everything ready for the kids, and it's like my whole day is moving to a point where I don't have to worry about the stress and the stuff that's coming in there. So I show up better for them. It was about me controlling me. Things that I was causing to contribute as opposed to they're the problem. How can I, how can I work from the inside out? And so I think those are like I don't I have the blame, I don't have the judge, I don't have to. You know, all those things don't don't exist, or I'm sure they exist, but they're not top of mind factors anymore. It's just a matter of when it does hit. What do I do to eliminate that? Or what do I do to see if I can change that outcome, moving forward?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it's like you know, victim mindset all of us have it and it serves us. You just began to realize it wasn't serving you in the way you wanted it to serve you and that a responsibility mindset actually served you far more for what you wanted yep 100 powerful, and that's why I always say thank you.
Speaker 3:I will go on record and I'm going to say it out loud you are my angel if you wouldn't have shown up. I say they don't. They don't tell you everything that you need to know, but they guide you in the direction you need to go and that's where you pushed me and I appreciate it still.
Speaker 1:Yes, Well, I love you guys and your tenacity. You're both tenacious in choosing, finding a way to get where you want, and I'm just so grateful for both of you, just in being human and getting to walk in life with you, and then also for you being willing to come and share your story and inspire other couples about what is possible when you really choose responsibility.
Speaker 3:It's a big choice, very big word.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is yeah. So thank you guys. So so much. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2:Bye.