Hey Julia Woods
Join me, Julia Woods, a couples coach and wife of over 3 decades, as I share some of my client's stories and my own so that you can be encouraged, inspired, and gain new results in your marriage.
Hey Julia Woods
Year End Visioning Activity
In this Podcast of Hey Julia Woods, we explore the transformative power of intentional reflection in marriage. Learn how a simple year-end exercise can help you celebrate growth, rekindle hope, and set the stage for a thriving relationship in the year ahead. Whether you're navigating challenges or building on a great year, this conversation will inspire you to make every year count.
💥💥Everything you need to grow the marriage you long for is waiting for you in the Marriage Growth Community:
https://beautifuloutcome.com/mgc-one-time-offer
🎁 FREE GIFT: Turn Defensiveness into Connection! https://beautifuloutcome.com/e-guide
_
👉 Take the free communication quiz! What’s YOUR communication type?! https://beautifuloutcome.com/communication-quiz
_______
💥💥Everything you need to grow the marriage you long for is waiting for you in the Marriage Growth Community:
https://beautifuloutcome.com/marriage-growth-community
🎁 Free Gift for you! 100 Prompts and Ideas to Connect with your Spouse!
🎁 FREE GIFT: Turn Defensiveness into Connection! https://beautifuloutcome.com/e-guide
_
👉 Take the free communication quiz! What’s YOUR communication type?! https://beautifuloutcome.com/communication-quiz
_______
Where you can find me:
INSTAGRAM: Connect with me at @HeyJuliaWoods
YOUTUBE: Subscribe to @HeyJuliaWoods
SHOP: Marriage resources in my storefront
RETREATS: Attend a Marriage Workshop
WEBSITE: Find more resources at BeautifulOutcome.com
FAC...
Welcome to hey Julia Woods podcast. I'm your host, julia Woods, founder of Beautiful Outcome, a coaching company focused on helping couples learn to see and understand each other, even in the most difficult conversations. On my podcast, I will share with you the real and raw of the messiness and amazingness of my relationship and the couples I coach in a way that you can see yourself and find the tools that you need to build the marriage you long for. Welcome to hey, julia Woods. I am recording this podcast at the end of December in 2024, and I want to talk about the power of what can happen at the end of a year as a couple and talk about an exercise that I invite you to do and to make it an annual tradition that I want 2025 to look like. And you know what am I visioning for my marriage? Often, we can be in a year where it's like, wow, that was a very, very hard year and I don't want that hardship the next year. You know we often look to the next year with anticipation and maybe you've had a great year and you're like, okay, how can we create more of this next year? And so you know, wherever you're at, I invite you to really look at the power of a year, it really is significant and in essence it's like a chapter in your life.
Speaker 1:And something I've been thinking about over the last year or two is the power of decades in a marriage. So the chances of you know, obviously the goal is that you have a marriage that lasts five to six decades. That to me, is the goal of marriage to from you know, I do until death do us part, and to be really blessed is to have a marriage that lasts five to six decades. And so, as I've been thinking about marriages and how many marriages end, they actually say that only two-thirds of marriages that begin which I've actually heard a higher rating, I've actually heard that it's higher than that but at least a third of marriages don't make it a one decade. Most marriages that are going to end end at the seven-year mark, and so it's a miracle to make it one decade. And then they say that only 50% of marriages actually make it two decades, and once you get back past two decades, it's only eight percent. They don't give the distinctions between three decades and four decades that I can find in the searching that I did, but actually only eight percent of couples actually make it five decades.
Speaker 1:So what I've been thinking about is how it isn't as much the years as it is the decades, when I watch marriages fall apart. It's what happens in a decade, and those years, those 10 years that make up each of those decades, are very important hash marks, if you will, on the way. It's like a trip around the face of a 10-hour clock, if that makes sense how much intention a couple must put forth to actually make it from one decade to the next. So I want to look at that from the perspective of how significant each year within a decade is. I don't know what decade you're in in your marriage, if you're here just working, hoping to make it to the first, or if you're here hoping to make it to the second or the third, or your marriage has ended and you're hoping to create something new that can last the decades. I want to invite you in to thinking intentionally and think about the power of what happens in a year, because each year really matters and what matters about it. Well, that's up to each couple and you know what matters in your relationship this year.
Speaker 1:Before we dive deeper into today's episode, you must take responsibility for yourself and who you are being, moment by moment. It's not about what your spouse needs to change. It's about you taking control of the only thing you can control, which is you. That's the truth that nobody's talking about when they talk about marriage, but I am. I know that because it's based on the same principles. I've used to coach this couple and hundreds of other couples to marriage success over the last nine years. So grab Marriage Growth Community at the top of the show notes.
Speaker 1:Okay, back to the show, dreaming about the idea of starting a business that if you could fast forward a decade from now, you could recognize wow, that business is going to have a major impact on our marriage and we need to pay close attention. Is it that some tension has risen in your family, in your extended family, and it's putting a lot of stress on your marriage and you're not sure exactly how to face it? But if you could fast forward a decade, would you look back on that family tension and say, wow, that's where things really shifted. As I talk with couples, as I coach couples, they often have these moments in their relationship where they know everything changed after that. Well, it didn't just change in two months, it didn't just change in 12 months. It changed in the years that passed.
Speaker 1:So when I say every year matters, every year matters Like I'm learning now in my marriage that heading into Empty Nest man it mattered. There was so much intention that we needed to pay attention to that year and we didn't. I was having my suffering, my husband was having his suffering and we didn't see the significance of what we needed to pay close attention to see the significance of what we needed to pay close attention to. And so today's conversation, today's invitation for you is to slow down and pay close attention and let this year matter, let what you're walking through matter, let the possibilities of the conversations that want and need to be had as you face the challenges and the suffering of life to rise up and call you to them. And in order to do that, it's going to take you slowing down, it's going to take you noticing the hustle and the bustle that happens at this time of year. And can I just get to the first of the year? And the first of the year comes and it's like I just need a breather.
Speaker 1:And then you're trying on New Year's resolutions and things are, you know, you fail within the first week or two of New Year's resolutions and then, before you know it, decades passed and you might be shocked that the year marriage didn't make it to the next decade. And so, as humans, we would rather not look at difficult things. We don't want to look at the hard things that we're thinking about and the hard things that we're going through. Or it feels like, well, you know, I'm going through this and my spouse can't seem to understand, and so they're going through it too, but it's hard for me to understand because they don't understand me. And so we wind up siloing and we go through hardships separately, and that's what blocks us from getting to the next decade.
Speaker 1:Now, I promise you there is good news in this podcast. It's starting out heavy, and I believe it needs to, because I want to bring to you the severity and the importance and the significance of the events in life, the suffering in life that we allow to tear us apart and block us, and how vital it is to significantly look at each year with intention and with importance. So, as couples, as humans, we don't like to face the suffering of life. We'd rather scroll it away, we'd rather mask it away, we'd rather numb it away, we'd rather highlight, reel it away. We don't want to be in the suffering because it's uncomfortable. But you know, if we don't, we miss these warning signs. We miss these very important warning signs. And I think the question is you know, and I think the question is you know, which pain do you want to face? Do you want to face the pain when it's small and uncomfortable, or do you want to face the pain when it's huge and so big you can't find your way through it because too much has built up. So it's scary to think about these things and so we choose to settle for status quo.
Speaker 1:I heard a spouse recently say that you know, I decided long ago that the marriage I wanted wasn't possible and so I accepted. My spouse and I were just going to be roommates and they were commenting on one of my posts and they were just like I'm miserable in my marriage and so this is great what you're saying, but that's not possible for me. As I asked more questions and talked more, they told me this story that they had decided long ago to settle as roommates and it was financially more feasible to stay together, and my heart broke. I was so sad because, you know, every couple, every spouse, goes into marriage with longings and, over the years, as you disappoint each other, as you hurt each other, as you offend each other, as you break your word, as you betray each other. And by betraying each other I mean it's those small ways that lead up to the big ways.
Speaker 1:When you don't do the things you say you're going to do, it's a betrayal, because the one that you've committed to trust the most, the one who you're risking to trust the most with, is now showing you they can't be trusted, and that is betrayal, and that begins to lead to much bigger betrayals, and so every one of those that happen brings us it like it takes a gouge out of our hope, and hope begins to diminish, and before long, you start thinking you're crazy for hoping the things you hoped for when you first got married. And if that's you, I want to challenge you that hope is the most vital ingredient to creating the marriage you long for. Because, if you's you, I want to challenge you that hope is the most vital ingredient to creating the marriage you long for. Because if you lose hope, you lose everything. And so the exercise I'm going to invite you into is about fanning the flames of your hope and making sure that that vital heartbeat of your marriage and the marriage that you long for stays alive, because without it, the marriage that you long for stays alive, because without it, the marriage is doomed to death, whether it is that you stay married and just act like roommates or you actually create the marriage you long for, hope is vital, and so, no matter where you're at in your relationship, if you're just getting started, if you're listening and you're engaged, I invite you to think about this from the very beginning. If you're about to have your first baby and your hopes are still high amazing, let's keep building on that.
Speaker 1:If you're raising several kids and wondering I don't know how to find the time to be with each other. Or if you're in that season where you're busy, going from one sporting event to the next ballet class, to the next, this to the next that, and you're hurt and you're frustrated and you feel disconnected and it's easier just to stay busy. Or if you're raising teenagers and wondering you know what in the world? How can we partner together at this point, when we see parenting so differently and life is so stressful and these kids are pulling us apart and in the back of your mind is the haunting that oh no empty nest is coming, and who are we going to be together then, like our kids, shield us from a lot of the tension that we haven't wanted to face through the years. And if you're in actually empty nest or entering it, that's a whole nother opportunities of tension and and an opportunity to look at the hopes that you had when you first began and see what's still, what's still burning, what embers are still there, what, what embers need fanned and what flames are still burning bright and where are the flames died out and what's needed to restart the flames there.
Speaker 1:I want to encourage you. Your longings are possible as long as you have decided to keep longing. Long as you have decided to keep longing, what is it that you're longing for? Where are you settling in your marriage? Where have you stopped longing? What are you tolerating that you don't actually want? All of these things are possible as long as you haven't decided they're not. The moment you decide they're not possible, then you're right.
Speaker 1:You know I know this that often in my marriage I thought that what I wanted and what I longed for was just being too needy and I didn't want to look at that. And I'm discovering that I wasn't too needy, that the things I longed for in my marriage were actually really vital, needs and longings that I believe were put there by God, the one who's bigger, who understands the true gift of what marriage is designed to look like and be like. These longings are bigger than I am, and yet the moment I decided I was too needy and my longings were too much or not possible, I lost hope and I stopped standing for my longings. The thing I want to ask you today is, if you're questioning whether you're too needy or you're questioning whether what you long for is possible or not possible, I want to ask you like, if it were possible, would you want to know? It's vital to keep considering, and I want to encourage you that this is hard. It's not easy to keep fanning the flame, especially in a hard season, and I want to encourage you that this is hard. It's not easy to keep fanning the flame, especially in a hard season, and I want to invite you to consider. You're not alone. I love the marriage growth community that I have created and I'm starting to grow, where it's couples coming together who say you know what? I want to keep believing. I want to keep fanning the flames of my hope and I want to find a way through the challenges. I don't want the challenges to take me out. If you recognize you're feeling alone in this wrestle of continuing to hold on to your hopes and not allow them to be dashed through the challenges of life, I invite you to consider joining us in the Marriage Growth Community. There is a link below in the notes description if you want information on that as a resource.
Speaker 1:I believe marriage is the greatest arena of love and growth on this earth. I believe that's what marriage is about. It's about becoming love as humans. The people that we most look up to, the people that are the heroes in our world, are the people who have chosen to become love and that made a difference in the world. Your marriage is the greatest arena to grow that in yourself. It's the greatest arena to become more self-aware, to develop your character, to learn how to live as your word, to learn how to become love. What does it actually mean to become love? And being love doesn't mean being a doormat. It actually means courageously standing for your longings because you know it's what's best for both of you and you know that you're willing to have hard conversations and risk rapport in order to stand for what it is that you long for.
Speaker 1:Marriage is a day-in and day-out, continual opportunity to show up in this, and what are you doing with your opportunity? Who are you committed to become? It starts with the small steps, followed by another small step, and you start taking a step every day and looking at your steps. Okay, what are the steps that I took today? Are those steps taking me towards the future I long for? Or are those steps taking me back to repeat my past? And if you want to move towards your longings, what step can you take? If you missed it and you recognize whoa those steps today were taking me? To the controlling person, I don't want to be. Okay, great, let me go again. What step can I take now? Maybe it's just simply owning man. I missed it today. Will you forgive me? And here's why I'm committed to be with you, because here's what I long for in my marriage and here's what you can count on me.
Speaker 1:Today, in this moment and moving forward At the heart of it, the most important thing you can choose, the most important step you can take, is curiosity, and it starts by asking yourself questions, questions like what is working in my marriage, what isn't working in my marriage and what is wanted and needed. It's questions that open up possibility. It's questions that open up hope and wonder. Rather than like, well, my marriage sucks, and I might as well just grin and bear it or tolerate it, or try and stay at work longer so I can be with it less amount of time, get honest about where you are and where you want to go, and look at what you're contributing and that's the beauty. And that's the beauty. Then we're headed to the good news, because I walk with couple after couple after couple, and I've seen it in different arenas in my own life, in my own marriage, where it is the small steps that lead to the possibilities actually becoming reality that you never thought could be.
Speaker 1:And I'm currently this year in a very, very, very hard season in my marriage, harder than I've ever been, and yet in it I have hope. I have hope because I know I'm committed to becoming love. I know that all the small steps that I've taken have brought me to this place, me to this place, and we are at a place of really deciding am I willing to do the deeper, harder work, and what is really going on inside of me and while it's excruciating and while it's hard, the hope that what I long for in marriage is possible is getting fanned. It's getting flamed in ways that it never has before, and that's the good news. You get one shot on this earth at becoming love. You get one shot on this earth at creating something meaningful and creating a legacy worth having. And your marriage is the greatest arena of showing you how you're showing up, in that it's like the best report card you can get as you look at the results. And that doesn't mean that if your marriage ended, that you have failed. It means are you willing to look at what happened and let it grow, you, let it develop, you, let you see where you missed being loved and where you didn't fan the flames and what's possible if you're willing to go again and live in the longings and the hope that you have for this beautiful relationship of intimacy, the most beautiful relationship of intimacy you can have on this earth.
Speaker 1:So how can you be intentional? You can have on this earth. So how can you be intentional? How can you let each hash mark in this decade or the next decade matter? Well, I think it takes intention, and I am a person of tradition. I love traditions. They matter a lot to me. I have lots of traditions and it's so beautiful to watch my children passing on traditions. I've heard. Scientifically they've proven the best way to create a new habit is to add it to something you already do. So a couple years ago I asked my husband to start a new tradition with me and it was taking intention this time of year. Whether it be something special you do about this time of year together, whether you make it a Christmas Eve tradition or a Christmas Day tradition or a special date that you set up the week between Christmas and New Year's, or you do it on New Year's Eve, wherever you want to do it. There is no right or wrong. You get to decide. And if you're listening to this podcast in the mid-year, there's no right or wrong. It can be on your anniversary, it can be wherever you want it to be, but it's slowing down and saying you know what? Let's stop and let's be intentional.
Speaker 1:The questions that I came up with for the project for my husband and I a few years back was the growth I see in me. It's just an opportunity to sit down and I wrote. I made this in a Google doc. That was a piece of paper that I printed out and that I sliced in half, and he had his and I had mine, and we each sat down and we each wrote out. Like the growth I see in me, the growth I see in you, the growth I see in us, the new growth I long to see in me and the new growth I long to see in us, notice they're focused on. They're focused on the life. Are there things that I regressed that year? Are there things that we didn't grow in our relationship? Yes, however, looking at those things can be helpful in order to help us see what's needed. Is there more life in looking at what did work, looking at what didn't work? To look at? What is it that I want to grow next year? So, putting ourself in a growth mindset starts by focusing on what is working. There is no right or wrong to the questions. You can come up with whatever questions you want.
Speaker 1:Some questions I'm wanting to start looking at is you know, where am I being honest? Where am I being dishonest? What longings do I have that I've been too scared to admit? What is it that I need and long for in our marriage within the next year, within the next five years, in order to make it to the next decade. What is it that we need to get honest about and get help with? These are vital, vital questions. They're not kumbaya questions, but they are vitally important if you want to put the intention in, that can get you to the kumbayas.
Speaker 1:Kumbayas don't just happen. They happen because you've put the hard work of honesty and looking at what you don't want to look at. You know, if you look at a house over a course of a decade we moved out of our house 20 years ago, two decades ago, and each decade that I've driven past that house, I've been shocked at how much more it goes downhill. There is significant work that needs to happen to care for a household and keep it looking fresh each decade. Your marriage is even more so, and that's the exercise I'm inviting you into is what are the annual questions? And maybe you change them up every so often, but what are the annual questions that can allow you to assess? Okay, wow, the shutters are starting to fall off or the gutters are starting to hang or the paint's really fading on the house. That's something we need to work on this year and, man, I just I love how the bushes are really growing into the space and they're really you know they need a little trimming, but they're doing really well.
Speaker 1:This is the intention I'm inviting you into that if you will take this on an annual basis, you will make it not just survive to the next decade, but you have the ability to thrive as you allow yourself to, each year, at minimum, take time to sit down together and get intentional about what's really working in your marriage and what's not working in your marriage. It's a way of moving one hash mark closer to the next decade by slowing down, getting honest, getting curious and deeply caring for this beautiful in my experience, the most beautiful relationship you have on earth, the relationship that has the most capacity to be the most beautiful and the most enriching on this earth. So, thank you if you've listened this far. I wish you well, I wish you a blessed season and, most importantly, I invite you to stay curious and really passionately care about your heart and the power that your marriage has on your heart and your spouse's to call you, in a way, up to the intention needed to care for this most valuable and important relationship that you have. Thank you so much for joining me today. Relationship that you have. Thank you so much for joining me today.
Speaker 1:That's going to do it for this episode of hey, julia Woods. Now I have a quick favor to ask of you If you've ever gotten any value from this podcast and you haven't already, please leave us a five-star rating and a quick review in the app that you're using to listen right now. This episode shares the power of what can happen when a spouse takes responsibility for who they are being one conversation at a time, and if you want the marriage that you long for, click that first link in the show notes and this will take you straight to the resource that's going to solve that for you. I can't wait to connect with you inside my membership, where you can get the support you need to grow the marriage you long for 24-7. All right, that's going to do it for the show. My name is Julia Woods. I'll talk to you next time.